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anger, bag lady, change, dick, dipshit, disapointment, divorce, double standards, Dr. Jekyll, drama, Faith, humor, idiot, laughter, marriage, moron, pain, resentment, stupid
So what does one do when you run out of all other options and the only thing left to do is write right? Ha! I was told tonight by my mentor (we all have one here at work) to stop trying to figure ‘it’ out. Stop trying to wrap my head around it. Absolutely none of it makes sense and it can indeed drive someone insane when you dwell on it because it’s ‘that’ stupid. What’s happened to me in the last three years in fact couldn’t have happened at all…I’ve lost all sense of myself my well being who I am. Oh for fucks sake!….WHO I ENTIRELY WAS!! How come even looking back and realizing I seen the signs I went for it anyway? Sex lust excitement? Dick? What the fuck? But you see “I” could have lasted forever if “he” stayed Mr. Hyde. I loved Mr. Hyde, Mr. Hyde was loving and charming and at times even caring. It was really hard for even Mr. Hyde to care. His self-centeredness overwhelmed him. Over took him if you will. He allowed it even enjoyed it at times. How sick is that? He’d have a smirk on his face when he would do or say things that would hurt me or his daughter. How can a person blatantly hurt someone, say and do such cruel things and never feel remorse or shed a tear? His own daughter at that? Yea, so much I can’t wrap my head around alright. WTF.. course I lived in a state of WTF for the entire marriage now didn’t i?
So ‘now’…he’s out…wants’ the divorce and ‘now’ he cares about going to the gym? Lmao..surprise surprise… got his hair cut and I bet he FINALLY shaved his balls too! He wanted off my cell phone bill to separate our bills so he couldn’t be tracked if I wanted to look…Hmm….looks like he’s already preppin’ for his next victim.
I cried a little today talking to a friend. It wasn’t much just a little. Some days I’m stronger and some days I’m going through the motions in a daze. I’m just so tired. My two dogs don’t know what to make of me sometimes. I haven’t been very affectionate lately and they are trying to be. I shoo them away a lot. I shouldn’t do that. I know they know what’s going on because they’ve lived through this before too and if they could talk they’d tell me they’re happy they don’t have to hear the douche bag put me down or hear his rages anymore. I do let my great dane sleep with me and my little poodle got a bit of luvin this morning…I have been making a point to take mango (my Solomon island eclectus parrot) out to love on every morning after work right before bed. So I guess I haven’t been all ‘that’ bad to them. I need to work on my energy level. He did leave me with a complete mess. The house, the yard, the garage, the finances just a mess! Eh…I think it’s the thought of having to straighten that all out is what drains me…it’s all on me. But wasn’t it all on me anyway? Part of the issue was I asked for more help around the house…gosh I don’t even want to get into this…
I hated being injured or ill around him. He wasn’t a care giver…maybe for the first five minutes but it wouldn’t last and it was such a big deal…eye rolling and all and it was more important to be on the internet to him or out the door, he wouldn’t even set the clock to check on me, he would just pass out and leave me on my own when I needed help with fucking ice packs…but no ice was made because that was too much hassle. I needed help to the bathroom and sitting up and pill bottles…gawd I was in such misery and pain.. he left me alone. Doctor’s appts. I went to alone because he had better things to do…it was just another fight, another let down and I was too needy or didn’t deserve it. His ex wife went through the exact same thing. Exact same….and she lost twins…can you imagine? What a fucktard.
Someone once said to me, “someone has to care for the caregiver.”
I’m even a bit mad at God right now. I won’t even talk to him…ok I guess I do a little because I do realize he’s got my back. My kids are grown. They have no time for my nonsense. I have no siblings or parents. I’ve got some pretty kickass friends though…
A bright side? Isn’t there always a bright side? Some say it’s never too late to start over. Some tell me how beautiful I am and how they just love to be around me and I’m so ez to talk too blah blah blah… I’M thinking should stop my damn pity party and get my crap together, clean my beautiful little lake house, and make more visits to my happy place! Yea, it’s Wisconsin! HAHA! In this blog I think I have referenced Wisconsin as my happy place! I have many friends there especially this certain one I’ve known for over 25 years or so…we haven’t seen each other in over 10 though for two main reasons. #1 men are crazy. #2 we were stupid and that sums it up.
We got a hold of each other on fb talked for over a year on there…started texting and a month or so ago we finally set up a time to call and the only thing we could do once we heard each others voices was laugh. We just…laughed. As in cracked up…as if we heard a damn joke! And then I think we were laughing because we were laughing…we do that.
I need to give her a name for my blog don’t I? haha…at least a temporary one for this blog anyway…I’m all into aliases and all…I shall call her…BAG LADY! Because she ‘always’ has some big ass twilight zone purse that carried everything! I have a few purses not many but rarely carry them. I hate them! I hate the ‘carrying’ of them. I used to put my ID and cash in a back pocket and hand my lip gloss, cigs and oney to bag lady and she’d put it in her bag and we were out the door for quarter tappers and sport fucking! Aaahhh… yea…. Good times…. L.m.a.o… so many drunken nights we’d hafta empty that damn bag out on the bar by either dumping it upside down or piece by piece to just find the damn car keys…or cigs…or my friggin lip gloss…or where the hell did that $5 go?? It was hilarious!
Bag lady sounds awful doesn’t it? I mean the stereo typical ‘bag lady’ an all. But this bag lady is a stylin’ big busted blonde with red lips that makes every damn man that walks into a room do a double triple and quadruple take…lol! …And I come up with ‘bag lady’…that’s hilarious! Maybe I should just call her ‘boobs’. Shit, I will just let her decide! HAHA!! She’s my favorite reader… x0x0x0x0x0 ….Them damn big purses…I can’t walk by them in stores and not stop and admire them and she always came to mind…
I could move back to Wisconsin, there I’m like Norm Peterson when he walks into Cheers. Stella! Surrounded by friends…everyone knows my name…lol! I would not grow old alone there. “They” are my family…It would take some bravery to do it…it would be hard to leave my kids though… my kids are grown and don’t have much time for me…but it would hurt me to leave them but I have to think of ‘me’ too. The very thought of leaving them does pain me in my heart. It would be a heavy decision.
It would take some serious thought and planning and of course ‘time’…and would be down the road…I like that it’s a smaller town…a smaller ‘world’…everything would be a stones throw…and I’d never be alone.
Maybe I would buy a big ass bag and boobs and I could be the town ‘bag ladies’… ….aye what an awesome new goal!
~Stella
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