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anger, chances, change, confusion, disapointment, double standards, drama, healing, insanity, leaving, pain, resentment, respect, responsibility, restoration, selfish, strength, stupid, trust, truth, unfair
Been awhile since I’ve written I know…so here’s some ‘jists’…. The last blog I think was about Mr. Gone walking out on me…’again’… perhaps a couple of blogs back…I dunno… But you see he in deed came back…after a few weeks he showed up on my door step with roses and made more promises of a future…he said he applied to the (his job) near me…he’d be aprox. two hrs or three? (don’t remember) away instead of twelve and we would move on with our relationship and have a future. He promised he would never leave me again because he wanted to be with me etc. etc. blah blah blah….
HA!
I know you can see where this is going…lmfao. Funny isn’t it? He did put in for the transfer but what he didn’t do was take it. As a matter of fact he didn’t even bother talking to me about it or letting me know until ‘after’…weeks/days (don’t even know) he denied it. Wow. But I stayed with him even after this slam. I loved him. I did. I still believed he would change his mind and call them back and/or wait for another transfer opening. During this time he became even more distant. Even belittling me. Ignoring me, neglecting me..blowing me off… down right rude…name calling…hanging up…Going out and telling me ‘again’ how he could take some ‘yap’ home from the bar and bang her. Accusing me of being out and bringing guys home etc etc…just to find out later he was wrong and realized that it was his own mind running wild…(he checked with my roommate and my roommate let him know I lived in a box at home and had no interest in going out nor did I) I mean long distance relationships are tough granted but there’s something to be said about not being able to trust based on how the person is acting… Ok…’who was going out?’ ‘who was bragging about being able to bring someone home?’… ‘who became distant and a down right asshole?’… and who is it that kept saying ‘the one who’s doing the accusing is usually the one who is doing?’ His attentiveness to me dwindled. ‘He’ was acting and doing things that tore down trust. Again. Yea…one text would come in “you should be here in NE with me”…days later (if I heard from him)…would be something so negative and defensive it was surreal.
I remember times when I would sit across his lap as he held me and I cried because he was having to leave after a visit and go home to work…my heart would be so heavy and my eyes so swollen because I just loved him so much. There was a time I felt so safe with him…like nothing could ever touch me or hurt me because I was so comforted by him and being with him and being his girl and future wife. I felt so loved…so damn loved by this man. He would insist upon us sleeping/being on the phone when I slept or we slept…to just ‘be with me’ on the phone as we were long distance… he found ways to always ‘touch’…’be together’…and comfort ‘us’ through until the next time he would come and we could be together… I never ever felt he would abandon me. I hate that about myself…how I always try with some damn ‘dick’ that eventually threw up big time red flags. He was very convincing at times though. Sucked me right in to his promises…and future ‘talk’…his mouthfuls of soot and garbage. To even make one of his runaways more valid to himself he even bad mouthed me to his family…those I’ve never met but wanted to… How was I going to meet them after this? He ruined it…he ruined so much… up down…all over the map bullshit…omg…I’m an idiot. I loved him though. I wanted to grow old with him and live out my days with this guy…because…I was stupid like that. So…then he breaks up with me ‘again’…and once again I just go with it…not going to fight…but he stays on my fb…and wants to be ‘friends’…. BAH HA HA HAHAAAAAA! Uh yea ok… so… he wants to categorize me with his other exes that he’s left…and expects me to stay on his fb…?? Yea that didn’t last long…I seen one post of him with some chick he’s chasing that is only ….get this….wait for it….wait for it….waaaait….. ‘three hours away’…(the same fucking distance it would have been had he transferred to be with me)… anyway…I seen a post he wrote on this chicks page….she’s in a pic with a friend… and he writes… “two cute ladies” (something to the sort)…. this is the kicker for me…I can be jealous…yep…I own that…I can also appreciate a beautiful or cute woman…shit I’ve been with enough of them back in the day myself…I myself am a very beautiful woman…but when I see Mr. Gone making statements like that to women that ARE NOT easy on the eyes…once again…it just sickens me. What is he trying to prove? You see…check this out…he will admit he’s banged ugly girls (lived with them/pursued relationships etc)…hell his ex-wife is nearly in the 300’s lbs ‘and ugly’…he will laugh about it and it’s funny to him when ‘he’ talks about it… If “I” bring it up… he gives me “your so cruel” type comments…lmfao… yea…ok…cos you make sense…and you telling me all the time how beautiful I am shows me now just how serious you really were? And meant it? Hell…anything/anybody is beautiful to you…and ‘anything and anybody’ CLEARLY gets your dick hard. Totally lost respect for you on so many levels in so many ways… but this was the icing on the cake… You can chase your fuglys three hours away…but I’m not going to be one of your ‘ex harem bitches’ on fb to accommodate your fucked up ego. You won’t be categorizing me like that Mr. Gone. Uh no. You have thrown me into on coming traffic for the last time… ….so before I unfriended and blocked him…I was getting some attention by a guy on fb that I know…I will call him the prince… he’s hot…he’s young…and he’s incarcerated (for the time being)… in essence he did something stupid with his buddies and the judge made an example of him…so no he’s not some lifelong criminal… and Mr. Gone sees this…he investigates the princes profile and comes down on me for he being incarcerated for his ‘crime’…and here…wait for it…lol… omg…this comes from Mr. Gone…and Mr. Gone was dating a chick who was ripping off her own company…(something to the sort) but THAT was ok… lil’ ms..GINA was a thief…but it was ‘ok’ for your dick to get hard for… yea…ok… cos ‘you can pick ’em’ there bud… then Mr. Gone goes ahead and writes the prince a note on fb…something to the effect of…”I’m so glad Stella has something to smile about may God bless you both….blah blah blah”… ok yea… Whatever dude. How I read it ….”Good you’re giving attention to Stella…now you can take her off my hands”…and hands me over to him so he can keep macking on long distant fuglys without guilt. (I was expected to stay on your fb to watch this right?)
Mr. Gone I don’t think you ever really loved ‘me’…what you loved was just the ‘idea’ of happily ever after and all the fucking. It wasn’t a wife you sought really as you claimed. If it was…you wouldn’t have thrown me away so many times when you had a woman who was so good to you. You wanted me in NE…yet…you kept kicking me to the curb…cos yea…THAT would make me want to move there…and bad mouthing me to your family…something that wouldn’t be recoverable.
Bravo Mr. Gone. Bravo…for you. You now have your ‘peace’ or should I say ‘piece’…with your new endeavors. You will only keep using women…for a year more or less… then leave them…as is your history…save for the cow you begged to keep….perhaps only to be closer to her kin. š” Yea I said it and I don’t care. Why should I? You didn’t fight to keep me or fight for ‘us’… you didn’t know my value or worth when you had me Mr. Gone…but as you move on…you might eventually realize how good you had it…or would have had it…had you had a ‘follow through’ bone in your body. No follow through…your just going to keep ‘seeking and seeking and seeking’…no one will ‘suffice’ or satiate you…no one will be good enough…
I’ve gone up and down with such heaviness in my heart. Missing you…loving you from a distance and craving you, kissing you, caressing you, touching your head, kissing your tummy and ‘feeling you’…I hate myself for it but I can own it. I can say it. I still cry…omg…I cry…and ache for you…you called me your kryptonite…yea well…you are mine also. You were very beautiful ‘to me’ ‘To me’ you were everything you said you were all the things you wanted a woman to feel about you physically. You had exactly that with me. You had found that ‘someone’…
The weather makes me think of you. Going outside and smelling the air…music…clothes…a scent… I think about how I once felt being in your arms…playing, laughing…and feeling secure…like no one in this world could ever take me from you…ever.
And here it was you…you took… me… from you! I will always be in disbelief…how we were a year ago at this time…to now. Right now. I hate that I love you.
It will go away though…in time… in precious time and I’m going to see that it does. Every day I work on it.
You whispered to me to never break your heart
…but it was ok for you to break mine…
I see.
I dwell on the fact that you said one thing…but your actions proved another. Those ‘gentle reminders’ help me try to forget you. The comments you made to me about being a 9 not a 10. About being a gold digger when I’ve never been less than a hard worker in my life, not even missing work for the last year…how you would tell me how you could take a woman home from the bar you were at previously. How you said I was out and up to no good…when I never left my room. Never… ever… strayed. Never left my room…never…left…my…damn…room…because I loved you… …’ just you’.
How you can tell me you think I’m beautiful and then tell other women how ‘cute’ you think they are… how you made promises…you’d never hurt me…and didn’t keep them.. you promised you would never ever put me through….exactly what I’m going through now Mr. Gone.
Yea…’that’s you’.
Part of me believes you loved me…ok. At some point maybe. But if I had mattered more than your check book…if your own heart mattered more…if ‘we’ mattered more…
Aw hell…who am I kidding… ‘I’…didn’t…’we’ didn’t…
and neither did your very own heart.
~Stella
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