New Beginings…


, , ,

Welcome to my humble abode. I can see you came to learn about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde although Hyde didn’t show his face much. It’s Jekyll you will learn more about here. A narcissistic self serving mercurial of a man. Man. Heh that description is far to polite. Even minion is because the minions are funny and cute…Jekyll is nothing but evil and vile.

I still posses our porn disc. Wonder if he bothered even telling anyone we made one. Over 1300 pornorgraphic pics we took together. Our photographer enjoyed himself during that session for sure. It would be too easy to make a pic into next years Christmas card and send it out to those who need enlightenment and a good laugh! *evil grin. Jekyll surely would not be pleased but hence the price one will always pay for being abusive and evil. I feel for his current victim. He found one. I know it wouldn’t take long for him to latch onto yet another female to get out of his parents house. You would think a grown ass man at his age would live on his own but why? Why? When he can be freely supported by his condoning parents until his next victim takes him into her home thinking it is going to be bliss. She will see the signs though. She will see the signs…his ignoring when it suits him. How he is not ABLE to communicate or talk things out..he will smile that sick smile of knowing he’s guilty and not know what to say…then walk away or leave and run to mommy and daddy’s. Mommy and Daddy think he’s such a golden boy. He is indeed their golden child. It’s no wonder Jekyll cannot accept any responsibility for what he’s done. He owns nothing. Save for in the begginning of the relationship perhaps. Yea and so five judges AND the county is lying? These things didn’t happen? Heh heh heh…it did and it will follow him forever. This is fact and it won’t change. I wonder if by now he’s putting her down? Making fun of her infront of his boys or her co-workers…or her family. He usually starts with allowing the kids to disrespect her. She will be their maid on the weekends because where he is with those kids a messy trail follows. Dishes won’t be done for days eventually and a half assed cleaned kitchen ….he will leave her to do it. Perhaps not in the beginning…oh but he will.

Since the OFP was up Jekyll attempted a dialogue with me. Trying to draw me in….Let me go already you pig. Have you not lost enough? Don’t you have a current vagina to tame? What is it about me you just can’t leave alone? Angry at me for all that you lost? Your job, your career, all your tools, the lake house, boat, dock, …you weren’t even given ONE of our flat screens. The judge seen to it you walked away with nothing. A locker full of junk that had no value. Where did your tools go? Your ice ogger? Your ego? Pride?  Ah yes…you had your false persona as you walked into the courthouse thinking you were going to ‘bring me down’….the judge forced your hand to sign…you didn’t want to…why? Why did you get into my attorneys face yelling at him because I brought a boyfriend with me? LMFAO! Even a year later you couldn’t STAND to see me with another man…and couldn’t find a time in settlement during the entire year to sign and settle the damn divorce.

You wanted to keep me even still. And to contact me now? ….

I laugh at you asshole. You lost everything and now you are literally  having to start over…good thing you have your parents and now another victim. But you will hurt her and destroy her and put her son down and cause chaos writhin the house hold using her boy and drive a wedge between them because you have selfish jealousy issues. In your head you already own what is all hers.

Grow up Jekyll…own your shit. Tell her the fucking truth of how you made us live and the things you did to me. Your ‘buddies’ on your list on fb by the way….from the plant?  ….Aren’t really your buddy’s honey…they seem to like to keep me up to date on your endeavors. You think you have friends in Monticello…uh no.  You already made a name for yourself…they are just sitting back and waiting and watching to see your next move with the newbie.

Here’s to hoping she wises up and realizes she can do better and kick you to the curb (or rather back to mommy and daddy’s) because she can do better. She just doesn’t realize it now…but she might see and watch for the signs…

And yea…just because you hold the back of each of her legs up in the air and look down on her with a “Sqeeze my nipples”….that’s not love Jekyll….she may see under your current mask yet.



Three Regrets….

I regret introducing Mistah Gone to my kids…all that did was prove my kids right. Second…showing him that this blog exists…something he didn’t deserve knowing… Third, ….trusting and hanging onto every word he told me as truth. 


Me, Myself and I…enter  ‘The Prince’…


, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Been so long since I’ve written. I really do want to work on that because it’s always been such a great outlet for me. Rented a house here in happy land. This house…I love it. It’s different because I’ve never ‘not’ ownd before but I was told after bankruptcy…I can most likely buy my own home in two years. I’m ok with that. But yea…this house is SO nice. Quaint…cute…cozy…I LOVE the kitchen…it’s big. It’s nice to be on my own again…cooking…watching movies…masterbating… You know the essentials in life. >;) The shower head alone is way high…I’m a tall girl… and time to take a bubble bath with wine and candlelight…music.

I was supposed to be setting up house with Mistah Gone…but he’s still ‘gone’… It’s sad really because he would have been so happy here. The way I’m setting up house would have pleased him. I bought this cool antique kitchen table…from poland…it has this cool design painting on it…and a huge desk…the desk is like …from a post office…all these little drawers and compartments…dark wood…tall…fits my computer although the internet isn’t here yet.. (next week) I do have tv/dish though…THAT I missed. I still have some pics to hang and am looking for a vantity with a mirror…no more sitting on the floor for me. Mistah Gone would walk into this place and be very pleased and at home. The way it was planned. What was ‘supposed to happen’.  Turns out he was just one of those stereo typical liars. But aye… those happen. Unkept promises…phrases still rattle in my head. “I’m all about communication, I will always work it out, I wouldn’t abandon you, your so beautiful, I want you, I will move there to be with you, I want to marry you, I love fucking you, your worth the drive, your beautiful, I know your value, I know your worth, I love the way you do this or that,…” oh fuck…blah blah blah…yea he had abandonment issues…he abandoned me when it suited him. I guess it’s for the best on most levels. He’s on his way next month to go see his kids in New Mexico..and his fat cow of an ex wife.  Some guys just don’t mind that cushion, well, cushion with added stuffing…He’s ok with banging big girls and those that are unattractive. …he’s got other reasons to go as well…so…perhaps he dumped me to have a clear conscience for his ‘hook up’…Yea…the village will stone you for that one…but hey…I guess it’s better than me.

I learned something about myself though through this… a few things actually. When I was done with Dr. Jekyll….I fucked an rampant amout of young hot dudes to meet my needs…I enjoyed getting underneath them…on top…or what have you…aye a girl has needs…but the thing here is ….after Mistah Gone…and he turning me over to The Prince I have since learned something new….I’m different… I haven’t been with a man since Gone and I were over… nothing. Nada…You see Gone contacted The Prince after he seen The Prince fancied me on fb…basically ‘giving his blessing’ and a thumbs up.  It was a very short time since he decided he didn’t want me in his life also…so if Mistah Gone can just…’hand me over like that’ …what was I worth really? Not much. Then Gone proceeded to chase and tell another woman who’s only 2 hrs away from him.  How she was ‘cute’…. and I was expected to stay on fb an watch this? Who has a heart like that? I read him so wrong…soooo wrong.  When he wanted to be good to me he was so good to me!  But damn…where was his sincerety really? If he can just do that…abandon me…not miss me…not contact me or fight for me….but ‘hand me over’…I was nothing.  And it does sting. I’m only human. Oh back to what I learned…or rather what has changed. I no longer will sex another man I’m not involved with. In other words I’m waiting. The Prince and I have since hit it off but he’s somewhat detained at the moment. He will be ‘home’ in July.  He hasn’t been with a woman in a bit over 3 years and I’m not minding leveling the playing field one bit. I committed. I’m waiting. And the wierd thing is….I don’t mind. I REALLY DON’T want to go out and have sex to ‘sex’…. I want the connection…the meaning and the love. It’s not even a decison…it’s more like I just can’t do it. …No desire. I haven’t been touched since Mistah Gone.  I’m focusing on setting up house….my training…my job…and I’m actually ‘good’.  I believe I will be blessed for this in the long run.  Getting to know someone for months before I even sex him. I’m game…been doing it…and love the anticipation. The anticipation alone is a foreplay of sorts. Wanting and desireing  to only be physical with someone I am emotionally attatched too…has become so easy. The only threat would be Mistah Gone…and well…he’s ‘gone’… but the attatchment I feel is still there. I want to express much more but I don’t want to type it out or read it. I won’t.  Not part of the healing process.  I’m sure he’s healed. In order to be healed you have to hurt. And he doesn’t hurt.  No way he can.  Not the way he loved me…loved on me…wanted me…then abandoned me. It wasn’t real. It was sex for him. I know this now.  Not that he didn’t love me…but it wasn’t ‘pure’… not real.

It took him five minutes to let me go and persue another. No matter what it doesn’t take away from the intesity I felt for him. The love I had. The want to be ‘his’. The belief I ever was.

But I wasn’t.

The Prince however wants it all…He is indeed a beautiful creature who I am now in love with. He’s not with me ‘yet’ physically…five more months to go and he will be. He’s just coming. Coming to be with me and begin a life with me. He has other options and he chooses ‘me’… He’s going to come home to this house. With me.  Mistah Gone let me go…I wasn’t worth much to him…in the long run…I served no purpose. I can’t say enough how I put my emotions into him…all of me. His voice alone made me crazy. He’s been my kryptonite. Good thing he’s far away and has done what he’s done. It’s not forgivable. I did that with him…forgave him…and paid a price. A price on many different levels. I could have loved him forever. I hate this about myself still.

Prince, thank you for accetping me for who I am. Thank you for choosing ‘me’ uncondtionally. I will give you all of me. I already have. I can’t wait to get my hands on you and be able to ‘feel’ you like I long too.  Kissing you made my heart literally stop and take my breath away. Being on the same playing field by going long term without anyone else and committing to one another is the best thing that has happened to me as a woman…as a person. This says so much more…than I have ever been before. If that even makes sense.  Come home…I have set up house for you…for us….and we will burn incense and eat apples and chase eachother around the yard…and we will pick out black diamonds… and keep it simple…yet interesting….I will challenge you as I already do…😉 I will be your handful and you will take me in your hands…and not let me slip through your fingers and fall to the floor…as others have…

Thank you for deeming me as loveable…and a keeper…

Knowing my worth.


More Mr. Gone…being ‘Gone’…


, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Been awhile since I’ve written I know…so here’s some ‘jists’…. The last blog I think was about Mr. Gone walking out on me…’again’… perhaps a couple of blogs back…I dunno… But you see he in deed came back…after a few weeks he showed up on my door step with roses and made more promises of a future…he said he applied to the (his job) near me…he’d be aprox. two hrs or three? (don’t remember) away instead of twelve and we would move on with our relationship and have a future. He promised he would never leave me again because he wanted to be with me etc. etc. blah blah blah….
I know you can see where this is going…lmfao. Funny isn’t it? He did put in for the transfer but what he didn’t do was take it. As a matter of fact he didn’t even bother talking to me about it or letting me know until ‘after’…weeks/days (don’t even know) he denied it. Wow. But I stayed with him even after this slam. I loved him. I did. I still believed he would change his mind and call them back and/or wait for another transfer opening. During this time he became even more distant. Even belittling me. Ignoring me, neglecting me..blowing me off… down right rude…name calling…hanging up…Going out and telling me ‘again’ how he could take some ‘yap’ home from the bar and bang her. Accusing me of being out and bringing guys home etc etc…just to find out later he was wrong and realized that it was his own mind running wild…(he checked with my roommate and my roommate let him know I lived in a box at home and had no interest in going out nor did I) I mean long distance relationships are tough granted but there’s something to be said about not being able to trust based on how the person is acting… Ok…’who was going out?’ ‘who was bragging about being able to bring someone home?’… ‘who became distant and a down right asshole?’… and who is it that kept saying ‘the one who’s doing the accusing is usually the one who is doing?’ His attentiveness to me dwindled. ‘He’ was acting and doing things that tore down trust. Again. Yea…one text would come in “you should be here in NE with me”…days later (if I heard from him)…would be something so negative and defensive it was surreal.
I remember times when I would sit across his lap as he held me and I cried because he was having to leave after a visit and go home to work…my heart would be so heavy and my eyes so swollen because I just loved him so much. There was a time I felt so safe with him…like nothing could ever touch me or hurt me because I was so comforted by him and being with him and being his girl and future wife. I felt so loved…so damn loved by this man. He would insist upon us sleeping/being on the phone when I slept or we slept…to just ‘be with me’ on the phone as we were long distance… he found ways to always ‘touch’…’be together’…and comfort ‘us’ through until the next time he would come and we could be together… I never ever felt he would abandon me. I hate that about myself…how I always try with some damn ‘dick’ that eventually threw up big time red flags. He was very convincing at times though. Sucked me right in to his promises…and future ‘talk’…his mouthfuls of soot and garbage. To even make one of his runaways more valid to himself he even bad mouthed me to his family…those I’ve never met but wanted to… How was I going to meet them after this? He ruined it…he ruined so much… up down…all over the map bullshit…omg…I’m an idiot. I loved him though. I wanted to grow old with him and live out my days with this guy…because…I was stupid like that. So…then he breaks up with me ‘again’…and once again I just go with it…not going to fight…but he stays on my fb…and wants to be ‘friends’…. BAH HA HA HAHAAAAAA! Uh yea ok… so… he wants to categorize me with his other exes that he’s left…and expects me to stay on his fb…?? Yea that didn’t last long…I seen one post of him with some chick he’s chasing that is only ….get this….wait for it….wait for it….waaaait….. ‘three hours away’…(the same fucking distance it would have been had he transferred to be with me)… anyway…I seen a post he wrote on this chicks page….she’s in a pic with a friend… and he writes… “two cute ladies” (something to the sort)…. this is the kicker for me…I can be jealous…yep…I own that…I can also appreciate a beautiful or cute woman…shit I’ve been with enough of them back in the day myself…I myself am a very beautiful woman…but when I see Mr. Gone making statements like that to women that ARE NOT easy on the eyes…once again…it just sickens me. What is he trying to prove? You see…check this out…he will admit he’s banged ugly girls (lived with them/pursued relationships etc)…hell his ex-wife is nearly in the 300’s lbs ‘and ugly’…he will laugh about it and it’s funny to him when ‘he’ talks about it… If “I” bring it up… he gives me “your so cruel” type comments…lmfao… yea…ok…cos you make sense…and you telling me all the time how beautiful I am shows me now just how serious you really were? And meant it? Hell…anything/anybody is beautiful to you…and ‘anything and anybody’ CLEARLY gets your dick hard. Totally lost respect for you on so many levels in so many ways… but this was the icing on the cake… You can chase your fuglys three hours away…but I’m not going to be one of your ‘ex harem bitches’ on fb to accommodate your fucked up ego. You won’t be categorizing me like that Mr. Gone. Uh no. You have thrown me into on coming traffic for the last time… ….so before I unfriended and blocked him…I was getting some attention by a guy on fb that I know…I will call him the prince… he’s hot…he’s young…and he’s incarcerated (for the time being)… in essence he did something stupid with his buddies and the judge made an example of him…so no he’s not some lifelong criminal… and Mr. Gone sees this…he investigates the princes profile and comes down on me for he being incarcerated for his ‘crime’…and here…wait for it…lol… omg…this comes from Mr. Gone…and Mr. Gone was dating a chick who was ripping off her own company…(something to the sort) but THAT was ok… lil’ ms..GINA was a thief…but it was ‘ok’ for your dick to get hard for… yea…ok… cos ‘you can pick ’em’ there bud… then Mr. Gone goes ahead and writes the prince a note on fb…something to the effect of…”I’m so glad Stella has something to smile about may God bless you both….blah blah blah”… ok yea… Whatever dude. How I read it ….”Good you’re giving attention to Stella…now you can take her off my hands”…and hands me over to him so he can keep macking on long distant fuglys without guilt. (I was expected to stay on your fb to watch this right?)
Mr. Gone I don’t think you ever really loved ‘me’…what you loved was just the ‘idea’ of happily ever after and all the fucking. It wasn’t a wife you sought really as you claimed. If it was…you wouldn’t have thrown me away so many times when you had a woman who was so good to you. You wanted me in NE…yet…you kept kicking me to the curb…cos yea…THAT would make me want to move there…and bad mouthing me to your family…something that wouldn’t be recoverable.
Bravo Mr. Gone. Bravo…for you. You now have your ‘peace’ or should I say ‘piece’…with your new endeavors. You will only keep using women…for a year more or less… then leave them…as is your history…save for the cow you begged to keep….perhaps only to be closer to her kin.😡 Yea I said it and I don’t care. Why should I? You didn’t fight to keep me or fight for ‘us’… you didn’t know my value or worth when you had me Mr. Gone…but as you move on…you might eventually realize how good you had it…or would have had it…had you had a ‘follow through’ bone in your body. No follow through…your just going to keep ‘seeking and seeking and seeking’…no one will ‘suffice’ or satiate you…no one will be good enough…

I’ve gone up and down with such heaviness in my heart. Missing you…loving you from a distance and craving you, kissing you, caressing you, touching your head, kissing your tummy and ‘feeling you’…I hate myself for it but I can own it. I can say it. I still cry…omg…I cry…and ache for you…you called me your kryptonite…yea well…you are mine also. You were very beautiful ‘to me’ ‘To me’ you were everything you said you were all the things you wanted a woman to feel about you physically. You had exactly that with me. You had found that ‘someone’…
The weather makes me think of you. Going outside and smelling the air…music…clothes…a scent… I think about how I once felt being in your arms…playing, laughing…and feeling secure…like no one in this world could ever take me from you…ever.
And here it was you…you took… me… from you! I will always be in disbelief…how we were a year ago at this time…to now. Right now. I hate that I love you.
It will go away though…in time… in precious time and I’m going to see that it does. Every day I work on it.

You whispered to me to never break your heart
…but it was ok for you to break mine…

I see.

I dwell on the fact that you said one thing…but your actions proved another. Those ‘gentle reminders’ help me try to forget you. The comments you made to me about being a 9 not a 10. About being a gold digger when I’ve never been less than a hard worker in my life, not even missing work for the last year…how you would tell me how you could take a woman home from the bar you were at previously. How you said I was out and up to no good…when I never left my room. Never… ever… strayed. Never left my room…never…left…my…damn…room…because I loved you… …’ just you’.
How you can tell me you think I’m beautiful and then tell other women how ‘cute’ you think they are… how you made promises…you’d never hurt me…and didn’t keep them.. you promised you would never ever put me through….exactly what I’m going through now Mr. Gone.

Yea…’that’s you’.

Part of me believes you loved me…ok. At some point maybe. But if I had mattered more than your check book…if your own heart mattered more…if ‘we’ mattered more…

Aw hell…who am I kidding… ‘I’…didn’t…’we’ didn’t…
and neither did your very own heart.



Midget prison and my game…


, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Had a great night out the other night. Needed that. I danced to the band on the beach til my hair was wet and the sun came up and the crowd was first class. I drank like a sailor who hasn’t seen a tequila bottle in months. I did wake up the next afternoon, went to the bathroom and happened to look in the mirror… wholly shit… crack head barbie!  Ha! Yea I was looking pretty rough. I laughed at myself but yet oddly pleased.

I started babbling about my job to a friend and feeling that hangover still drunk jag I indicated that I should invest in a midget prison. A prison for strictly midgets. How the fuck funny would that be? Entertaining myself I mentioned how we could have little women midgets on one side of the razor wire fence and the midget men on the other.  Cell searches would be a bitch though because their cells would be dog kennel size…and we could put them in shiny colorful oompa loompah clothes with the shoes that curl up at the toes…add little tiny thumb cuffs for their restrains and hand cuffs for shackles…   …ok it was funny at the time… my ribs hurt.

Accomplished going to the store a couple days ago to stop the lay away plan I was on for buying someone an xbox one. Payments into it…couldn’t put it on my card like I just automatically do when I’ve wanted to do something or get something because it’s maxed…    …heh…looking down at the yellow sheets of paper work…shaking head… it occurs to me that I had wanted to get it for someone who had deemed me a gold digger to his family.  You know what I am?  Dumb. I have been dumb in so many ways from Sunday.  Make that Sunday Monday and Tuesday… My BFF wanted to blurt out so bad to Mistah Gone that I had went and done this when he started bitching about money, expenses and the fucking air conditioner. No jackass I didn’t want you to buy me an air conditioner… I wanted to get a practical affordable one and live for the next week as I expressed at the time  …while I was filled with sickness standing in that fucking store and needing to get the fuck out!  Yea thanks for your understanding. You really just had no clue. The BFF kept her silence though. I didn’t want him to know.  But now what’s it matter.

Moving my stuff one day he got frustrated that I couldn’t lift my bed to move it. I tried and was having problems  …I had to pause. To regroup and think about how I was going to assist in getting my 5 thousand dollar prized possession out of my room, through my house and into this U haul. During that pause he just yanked my bed…dragging through the house…dragging down the stairs…through the mud room…over a door way threshold…through the driveway gravel and up the ramp into the U haul. Yea nice temper tantrum with ‘my prized possession’ which you knew meant the world to me because of the expense of this particular bed and all it’s amenities. I knew there would be damage after that. But I didn’t run to the bed and check…I just stayed silent and bewildered…thinking to myself yea that caused some damage man… after the bed was moved to it’s new location and put into storage the damage was seen. I pointed it out but wasn’t mean about it at all…and he says “I’m sorry baby I will take care of it”.   And it was never mentioned again… I didn’t come down on him for it. I didn’t bitch scream yell…or freak the fuck out. I just trusted his word.

Enter his precious car…yea…I didn’t see the fucking cable due to the sun in a parking lot. And I wrapped his car around a cable that was holding up a pole. It was an accident. Unfortunate but I did it. I owned it. I expressed my sorrys for days and felt really low. Yet I didn’t mention the bed he had ruined out of his own malice. Didn’t even throw it in his face and yet I had to keep hearing about his car and what it will take to fix it. I played the victim? Uh no don’t think so that’s not how it went down.  It was awesome sarcastic comments to just dig the knife into my gut like you would a deer and make me feel like I shouldn’t have made a basic human mistake. Touche’. The difference between you and me. Ice water ran through this mans veins…look up the lyrics by foreigner ‘cold as ice’….the lyrics are so damn fitting in this. Seriously look them up.

So much was unfair. Way too much was just unfair. Talk about injustice. I’m all these things and yet he can slide on what he was. Nice. Talk about the pros and cons of responsibility. I was deemed insecure yet fake profiles were created by him to see what could be creeped on…stalked.  I couldn’t get my nails done without the justification for time loss. Here’s some information from your ATM : Your just as fucked up as I am…wait…no…you get the trophy because I could have never done to you what you did to me. Yea fuck ya. 

I’m so tired of having dealt with the emotionally color blind. The scaffolding of what can hold some people into place like a skeleton needs cartilage turns out to not even be predisposed in the long run as fish food. I’m glad to say I don’t suffer from the tragedy of perfection. A bell I can’t unring. Nor would I want to.

It’s ok because once I don’t love someone anymore…once that wears off…I don’t re-love them again. And time is the essence of shit wearing off and fading. Time we all do possess like it or not.

Tic Toc.

Was talking to an old wise man the other day…I will call him Goldie. He says to me “you gots to know bettah to do bettah. Elevate yo game Ms. Moon so you can grow. One spoiled apple doesn’t stop the sho'”  Goldie makes sense.

I need to explore new rituals to evolve. I’m not a just bead that can be slid to the side within an abacus.

I will pass through the flames and rise through the ashes.

I have before.

I roll like that.










Tiki Bars…body of water and a fresh start…


, , , , , , ,

Woke up feeling pretty good today. Body is back to normal…needed that. Didn’t think I was ready for the ‘hot flash’ of life…lmao! Heading to my happy place where my circle dwells. Going to hit the tiki bar on the lake for two days…want to feel the sand at my feet. The 4th needs a new memory for me as the sky goes snap crackle pop and fills with the multi colors of fireworks.

I’m glad to be off of work…all that inmate testosterone can indeed take it’s toll. I do love my job this is true but like any job you just need to get away and re-group.

I can’t control what others do…the choices they make …or how they feel the need to justify themselves…nor should I. I can only take care of me and taking care of me I shall.