Had a great night out the other night. Needed that. I danced to the band on the beach til my hair was wet and the sun came up and the crowd was first class. I drank like a sailor who hasn’t seen a tequila bottle in months. I did wake up the next afternoon, went to the bathroom and happened to look in the mirror… wholly shit… crack head barbie! Ha! Yea I was looking pretty rough. I laughed at myself but yet oddly pleased.
I started babbling about my job to a friend and feeling that hangover still drunk jag I indicated that I should invest in a midget prison. A prison for strictly midgets. How the fuck funny would that be? Entertaining myself I mentioned how we could have little women midgets on one side of the razor wire fence and the midget men on the other. Cell searches would be a bitch though because their cells would be dog kennel size…and we could put them in shiny colorful oompa loompah clothes with the shoes that curl up at the toes…add little tiny thumb cuffs for their restrains and hand cuffs for shackles… …ok it was funny at the time… my ribs hurt.
Accomplished going to the store a couple days ago to stop the lay away plan I was on for buying someone an xbox one. Payments into it…couldn’t put it on my card like I just automatically do when I’ve wanted to do something or get something because it’s maxed… …heh…looking down at the yellow sheets of paper work…shaking head… it occurs to me that I had wanted to get it for someone who had deemed me a gold digger to his family. You know what I am? Dumb. I have been dumb in so many ways from Sunday. Make that Sunday Monday and Tuesday… My BFF wanted to blurt out so bad to Mistah Gone that I had went and done this when he started bitching about money, expenses and the fucking air conditioner. No jackass I didn’t want you to buy me an air conditioner… I wanted to get a practical affordable one and live for the next week as I expressed at the time …while I was filled with sickness standing in that fucking store and needing to get the fuck out! Yea thanks for your understanding. You really just had no clue. The BFF kept her silence though. I didn’t want him to know. But now what’s it matter.
Moving my stuff one day he got frustrated that I couldn’t lift my bed to move it. I tried and was having problems …I had to pause. To regroup and think about how I was going to assist in getting my 5 thousand dollar prized possession out of my room, through my house and into this U haul. During that pause he just yanked my bed…dragging through the house…dragging down the stairs…through the mud room…over a door way threshold…through the driveway gravel and up the ramp into the U haul. Yea nice temper tantrum with ‘my prized possession’ which you knew meant the world to me because of the expense of this particular bed and all it’s amenities. I knew there would be damage after that. But I didn’t run to the bed and check…I just stayed silent and bewildered…thinking to myself yea that caused some damage man… after the bed was moved to it’s new location and put into storage the damage was seen. I pointed it out but wasn’t mean about it at all…and he says “I’m sorry baby I will take care of it”. And it was never mentioned again… I didn’t come down on him for it. I didn’t bitch scream yell…or freak the fuck out. I just trusted his word.
Enter his precious car…yea…I didn’t see the fucking cable due to the sun in a parking lot. And I wrapped his car around a cable that was holding up a pole. It was an accident. Unfortunate but I did it. I owned it. I expressed my sorrys for days and felt really low. Yet I didn’t mention the bed he had ruined out of his own malice. Didn’t even throw it in his face and yet I had to keep hearing about his car and what it will take to fix it. I played the victim? Uh no don’t think so that’s not how it went down. It was awesome sarcastic comments to just dig the knife into my gut like you would a deer and make me feel like I shouldn’t have made a basic human mistake. Touche’. The difference between you and me. Ice water ran through this mans veins…look up the lyrics by foreigner ‘cold as ice’….the lyrics are so damn fitting in this. Seriously look them up.
So much was unfair. Way too much was just unfair. Talk about injustice. I’m all these things and yet he can slide on what he was. Nice. Talk about the pros and cons of responsibility. I was deemed insecure yet fake profiles were created by him to see what could be creeped on…stalked. I couldn’t get my nails done without the justification for time loss. Here’s some information from your ATM : Your just as fucked up as I am…wait…no…you get the trophy because I could have never done to you what you did to me. Yea fuck ya.
I’m so tired of having dealt with the emotionally color blind. The scaffolding of what can hold some people into place like a skeleton needs cartilage turns out to not even be predisposed in the long run as fish food. I’m glad to say I don’t suffer from the tragedy of perfection. A bell I can’t unring. Nor would I want to.
It’s ok because once I don’t love someone anymore…once that wears off…I don’t re-love them again. And time is the essence of shit wearing off and fading. Time we all do possess like it or not.
Was talking to an old wise man the other day…I will call him Goldie. He says to me “you gots to know bettah to do bettah. Elevate yo game Ms. Moon so you can grow. One spoiled apple doesn’t stop the sho'” Goldie makes sense.
I need to explore new rituals to evolve. I’m not a just bead that can be slid to the side within an abacus.
I will pass through the flames and rise through the ashes.
I have before.
I roll like that.