To begin again…
18 Friday Oct 2013
Posted marriage
in18 Friday Oct 2013
Posted marriage
in03 Thursday Oct 2013
Posted captive, freedom, Life, pain, resentment
inTags
anger, beauty, chances, change, Faith, heartache, hope, insanity, leaving, life, love, pain, personal, resentment, restoration, truth
It’s never easy to understand why memories hold our hand and people let go. To be human is to be beautifully flawed. Can time rewrite ‘all’ the lines? If I could take back some of mine…I just would. To be able to reach deep down into the depth of my soul and erase the gut wrenching things that hurt.
People often ask why I like the rain so much. You can stand out in a storm and cry as hard as you want and your tears can be felt as heavy as the rainfall on your face…releasing.
In a lightning flash you can see the anguish and expression on the face & body of the soul …releasing.
Then comes the thunder…with thunder….You can scream aloud your anger and pain and it can literally be felt during a good clap right in your chest …to the very core that holds your heart…exactly where it all dwells…releasing.
Or simply go out into the rain and raise your hands and face to the heavens…all the while feeling ‘His reign’ and thanking God for all the love and blessings of all you do have in your life.
So you can cry in a storm or praise in the rain…either way your going to walk away with a washed soul…a renewed soul….which can allow you to rewrite any lines you want too..’releasing.’
I love it when it rains.
#crossroads #lettinggo #faith
~Stella
26 Saturday May 2012
Tags
alcoholic, backslidden, car crash, daughter, drama, Faith, hope, husband, in-law, jail, marriage, personal, resentment, scared, stupid, swearing
I know I said I would write more…thing is is I always ‘think’ about it…yet never sit and do it. I mean to because it always helps.
My life is by no means sugar and spice…and everything nice. Yes they are nice but (don’t you hate that word? “But?”)
But I have seen ‘some’ set backs in areas that do lead me to feel down and concerned. When I say ‘down’…that’s just it though just ‘down’…I’m not overly dependant and live in fear of being ‘left’. It’s like I’m ‘free’ of that debilitating non-sense. Maybe all that counseling paid off. Haha! Or I’m just simply numb to the nonsense of it all. Being a believer I know I have God listening to me and leading me. I know this because I can feel his presence and I can feel convictions of my own wrong doing. But what I ‘don’t’ fear is the fear of being alone. I like that. Hard to explain but I know what I mean. Ha!
*There’s more Mr. Hyde than Dr. Jekyll still. If you have been following my blog I refer to my husband as Dr. Jekyll (bad guy) and Mr. Hyde (good guy)…I don’t recall if Mr. Hyde was actually ‘good’ in the story though heh. But that’s what I mean. For my first year and a half of marriage almost all I knew was Dr. Jekyll. You would have to start at the beginning of this blog to get the jist and my ‘about me’ has the little prologue of course.
I write here because I am able to express my inner most thoughts, feelings and anger as per the reason most blog in the first place.
Anger, I wish ‘anger’ wasn’t such a ‘fierce’ and ‘violent’ emotion. I wish ‘anger’ had just some simplicity to it. I mean one can actually be just simply ‘angry’ without all the vileness and spewing. There’s no need to snowball or call names to someone you say you love just because they piss you off or call you out on the carpet on your own short comings. Oh I am no angel but I know I can indeed be angry
and not get vile. I can however get vile when vile is spewed at me and ‘how’ it’s spewed makes all the difference. No need to scream in ones face to make a point. No need to spit. No need to slam a door or break things. No need to use the Lords name in vain such as it is worse than a God Dammit. Jesus F’ing Christ is so necessary to make a point? I’m not the one who feels the stab. Sorry. So many other vile words can be used instead. Oh wait…those are already used too. Pfffttt…..
I hate the spirit of resentment. I have that. I try to work with it and just when I thought I didn’t feel it anymore something ‘vile’ has to happen to make it come back. I resent him for allowing himself to ‘still’ be ‘vile’ toward me ‘at times’ when angry. He HAS done so much better!
“But” lately it seems to be creeping back. I know it’s when he misses church. Church renews our Spirit and when we don’t go fill that cup…well…that foothold…etc etc… We watch sermons on TV or our church sermons on the computer and they help too but that even has gotten put on the back burner and our marriage is suffering because of it.
Anyway, he wants me to get over how I feel about his parents. I can’t. I simply ‘cannot’. I cannot sit in the same room as a man who has enabled my husband to disrespect me for the first year and a half of my marriage. A man I have gone to time and time again asking him to do the right thing and tell his son to man up…say sorry…and GO HOME! STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS AND OWN UP TO THEM! No… his father wants a spitting image of himself. A man who disrespects his wife repeatedly never says sorry and spews venom then runs away to the man cave to hide. It makes me sick. It still makes me sick and I no longer participate in that household.
My husband was sober for a year; we had decided to quit drinking two days after our wedding in Vegas because he was extremely violent after a night of drinking.
On our first anniversary his father Dr. Jekyll Sr. took my husband to a family barbecue and had no problem ‘drinking’ with my husband instead of sending my husband home after one of Jekyll Jr’s run away tantrums. What kind of ‘father DOES THAT? ON MY FIRST ANNIVERSARY??? Yea, again…it’s all in the blog in morbid detail…blog after blog of anger and sadness. So yea that and so much more I’m just rehashing.
I realize I should ‘forgive’ and just ‘suck it up’… yanno what, I’ve done that but then as I said there’s much more to the story…and I just don’t want to subject myself any longer to a couple that continuously disrespects me. It was enough to get over so much more than that from my husband and to be perfectly honest…I’m not sure one ever gets over such abuse…and now that I’m seeing some out of control anger again,…I’m more so not interested. I’m so turned off right now it’s darker than dark.
You see I don’t ‘need’ them. I ‘wanted’ them to be my in-laws but at the very least respect me and be fair. Well his parents don’t respect each other and he is far from fair to his wife and then he/they blatantly disrespected me, and hurt me. I mean really let me down and Hyde doesn’t see it….yet…but they let him down too. I would rather be alone on days Hyde goes over there and yes alone on holidays, I felt alone over there and an outsider anyway. I just don’t need the fake ass façade of sitting at a table having dinner with people I know will turn their backs on me on a DIME. I’m done.
If I didn’t see the changes I have seen in my husband over the last few months we surely wouldn’t be together now either from his ‘walking out on me’ …or me getting strong enough to ‘let go’…or he’d be in prison and out of a job because I finally ‘told’ and sought help.
But there has been change. And I have been living with the man God intended him to be… I just as of late seen some Dr. Jekyll creep back in and I’m no longer as ‘needy’ or co-dependant as I once was. How I know this is because I feel more secure and brave and I won’t sweep this crap ‘under the carpet’…biggest reason is…because I’ve seen so much good. My husband has been being a good man.
I wish I could make Dr. Jekyll disappear for good! I wish this on his father too for his mother’s sake!
My daughter (26yrs.old) rolled and totaled her car…again. She was drunk…again. My daughter is an alcoholic who refuses to get proper treatment. I say proper because she’s tried a pill called naltrexone I think it is. It’s supposed to help curb cravings for those who stopped drinking and are seeking counseling for the problem. Well, ‘she’ can and does drink large amounts on it, zero counseling add over use of pot and the like of prescriptions = major problems. She left her boyfriend of almost four years…a wonderful guy and yes, he was indeed good to her. But he ended up having to baby sit her to keep her safe etc etc…she lost her job(s)…and quit school and lives with gosh knows what kind of people in a crappy part of town. There’s so much here to the story but in short no one can reason with her about the need to quit alcohol. She can’t quit on her own. So since she has to go to court again I’m going to write a letter to the prosecuting attorney that will be trying her case in hopes to get their and the judges attention. There may be already mandatory treatment for her situation but I can’t count on that alone. My daughter is maybe 115 lbs soak and wet…she blew over a .4…No that’s not a typo…over a point four. Daughter says that her atty. says there’s no way she could be that tiny and blow that high. Well the hospital I worked at for 15 years (3 years ago) says “Uh, yea she can it’s her tolerance level.” And yanno what, I sure shit believe the hospital. They took a blood draw too but that hasn’t come out yet and the way my daughter feels about me now I’m most likely not going to find out what it is. But many of us believe her atty. will be in a world of surprise.
I want my daughter to live. I want my daughter saved. I don’t want to bury my daughter and I’m going to be if this doesn’t completely end.
So the prosecuting atty. and judge will be getting a letter from me. My daughter needs mandatory intensive help. At least there’s a ‘chance’ it might work. She will hate me for this but I still have to do what I have to do and I have to put in my two cents to the courts to try to help my baby.
My heart is heavy as of late but I have Jesus Christ on my side. I do.
~Stella
22 Thursday Mar 2012
Tags
Bible, chances, change, Christian, Christianity, Faith, God, hope, Jesus, life, love, marriage, prayer, restoration, trust, truth
It’s been so long since I’ve really written…I think about it all the time actually and yet don’t sit and do it. I love having a blog…truth is I’ve been busy being happy. So much has happened. The old adage people don’t change? Yes actually they do. God can change hearts…he’s the ONLY one that can. My husband has been a changed man for quite some time now. I believe it’s because he got saved. I’m serious. I look back on these blogs and I know what kind of pain he has caused…but who he has been for the few months…who he is becoming is amazing.
Jesus Christ truly redeems…He restores…He lives.
Sound sappy or unbelievable? I don’t care, I’m living it!
It takes a strong woman to be able to look beyond what a person does to you and know that who they are supposed to be in Christ is yet within them.
I hung onto that and it was worth it!
~Stella
11 Saturday Feb 2012
Posted marriage
inTags
chances, change, choice, Christ, confusion, drama, Faith, forgiveness, God, hope, Jesus, life, marriage, Promise, restoration, Salvation, shame
It’s been so long since I have posted. So much has happened. Good, bad, ugly and evil.
I choose what I choose and I chose ‘Him’.
It’s going to be way to much to write down and sort out…so I guess I will just start blogging again and the content can be put together if one really wants to.
Today I am grateful.
I miss blogging tho’.
I’m back.
~Stella
11 Tuesday Oct 2011
Posted marriage
inTags
chances, change, clean slate, double standards, drama, first anniversary, hope, leaving, loyalty, options, pissed off, restoration, step kids, trying, venting
Sure as shit.
How come when I’m ready to be ‘ok’ to have his ass out…he didn’t leave. He came home! He did pack which I can’t get out of my head..but he didn’t actually go. He stayed home every night that weekend we weren’t getting along… I mean he had his kids here…
Now…it’s probly because his parents were remodeling their kitchen..that mixed with three kids wouldn’t be a good thing…so he brought them here. I told him I didn’t want him here but of course they had to have a place to go…so I did leave…
But that sunday night came and he was here… he dropped the kids off…then came here…and stayed on the couch…monday came…worked that night…and again he came home…car still packed…
again remodeling? Hard to sleep during the day when pounding is going on I imagine.
Then of course…I needed sex. Went to him for it…he tried to say no…but c’mon…really? So we did and it did break the ice..
But then I was resentful because he still couldn’t talk this out… so I wrote him an email because his kids are going to come again this weekend and I wasn’t about to stick around being told how much I suck…then ‘play’ Marry Poppins… he didn’t know I intended to leave if this wasn’t resolved and the slate was clean…
but he did take the crap back…and apologize… so I worked with it.
My point is… I was and am ready to have the fuck you, kiss my ass, I’m so done with your shit…and he stayed. What the hell?…
I guess it’s about process? One just gets closer and closer to getting so sick and damn tired of the crap…maybe he can now see that about me? But I’m just not where I used to be this entire last year…
I’ve changed ‘my tune’…
But I felt the need to express how I feel and view things and to make myself clear so I wrote him an email that way he can’t blow a nut on me mid sentence and not let me have my say…per the norm. I was walking around wanting to just get rid of him because of the resentment… so I simply told him my take:
(names of course have been changed) lol!
“”””””””””Hi,
Please don’t twist the following into something it doesn’t need to be.
I need to talk to you. Well, I guess I’m going to write because I can’t talk to you without being accused of starting a fight. So I’m going to write this and the ball will be in your court. I am writing it now because if I do it close to Friday then you will accuse me of starting something before the kids come. No matter which path I chose in trying to communicate with you there’s always a price I have to pay.
That’s unfortunate because a wife should be able to tell her husband when she’s troubled without punishment. I’m at the end of my rope with these punishments I don’t deserve merely because I am human.
Have you not noticed that for almost four months we have thrived daily as a couple? We have gotten along literally for WEEKS without any big major fights. I believe and I think you do to is your medication is a big part of it. When your dose is low for too long of time your rage comes back and you flip in seconds when you don’t have too. Hyde I am not responsible for your actions or how you chose to react. You have choices on how to handle something like every other human on the earth.
Do you remember when you finally sat still and was quiet long enough for me to tell you how I feel? I was able to get an entire years worth of resentment out and tell you where I stood therefore re building a foundation…after that night we thrived and worked together as a couple and when things got rough you were able to say your sorry. Well, your back to not being that guy.
About the kids: when you FINALLY backed off your pushyness and insults about the kids…I was able to establish a fantastic mom role with each child. I went about making time with each one to get closer to them. Our weekends have been fantastic…and without incident. I cooked and did all the motherly things and then some. I stepped up because you shut up. 😉
Here lies the issue. Since the night of the car wash incident you said some pretty nasty things once again about me and taking care of the kids. You went as far to indicate how you take care of them much more than I do… Apparently you haven’t noticed or you are taking me for granted? Do I really need to list all the things I have been doing and have done these last several weekends? I am and have been doing ‘all’ the cooking and I am the one who’s been getting up with them in the mornings and preparing them for the day while you sleep in….and yes, cleaning up after them and making sure their teeth are brushed and mention when they need showers…after I’m done serving all of you I sit on the floor so you can enjoy a meal with your kids…not once have you offered to make a meal so I could sit with them.. I think you get my point.
Point is…I’ve done more than excel in my role. Only for you to tell me I haven’t. For you to tell me how ‘you’ do so much more. Actually sweetheart…you don’t. Not that your not parenting but I sure as hell never sit as I’ve been the servant and care giving every single time they’ve come over since you backed off.
So here’s the thing: I feel like I’m minimized right back to where I started from by your comments. I’m back to being resentful and now I don’t feel like I should have to do a damn thing because it’s not even appreciated. After the things you said can you blame me?
I asked you to take it back. All the CRAP you said…and you didn’t. I’m not ok with that. I am worth more than being blown off on a mothers day or getting a two for one candy bar! Hyde, no one would want to continue to thrive under these conditions. Why would they? Why should I? How come it’s soooooooo easy for you to put me down and yet EXPECT me to be at my best? I’m not a dog that can be beaten and then come to you for affection. See the analogy? I’m not ok with this. If you want me to continue to be the best I can be then YOU NEED to ACKNOWLEDGE that I have become a great step mother to your kids… or why should I bother?
It’s not worth it to do my best at anything if all I am is put down and told I don’t suffice. Does it make sense to you?
I don’t think you realize nor take responsibility for what it is you have caused in this marriage regarding the kids. Your role. As I said..once you backed off and were kind…all was nice. Get it? The weekends were wonderful and we were exhausted but happy! I would even tell you I looked forward to them coming! I am physically affectionate to them! Involved. Established.
Only for you to once again belittle me… and take it all away…by not taking your words back! ….I am not your mother Hyde…I cannot go on daily pretending your words don’t sting! I won’t and don’t live my life that way. You mention how I don’t let things go…just how much crap am I expected to ‘let go’ of Hyde in one lifetime? OR you can take some responsibility for what happens between us and learn to fix the crap that you cause.. I say sorry 95% of the time ‘you’ are the cause of the argument. You’re a master snowballer.
There’s no reason to beat the truck or be cruel to an innocent old poodle who loves you because your having a bad moment the rest doesn’t need to pay. Quite frankly neither do I.
You ever say nice things about me to the kids? You ever point out how good I am to them? I imagine if you don’t do it to me you don’t bother expressing it to them…or your parents.
You tell someone that they suck enough they are going to go back to sucking. You tell someone that their dumb …they’re not going to care about thriving.
If you don’t show affection and validation for me…then how do you expect me to do it for the kids? Impossible.
Ok…so…because of this….what is it?…. regression? ….back to the old crap? ….My heart isn’t in seeing the kids this weekend. I want it to be…but I can’t pretend I wasn’t told that I “don’t do shit”….. and then “do shit” when they come. You and only You can change this. You changed before and look what it did for us as a family?
You bring up ‘my’ pets… I’m sick of that and it doesn’t even COMPARE! You dump food in a dish maybe twice a day…’’I’’’’ have been doing the dog crap… you have NEVER cleaned mangos cage…you change his water and give him food. Period… faaaaar cry of ‘tiresome’ chores that accrue when the kids come. Hm? You came down on me for wanting ferrets… yet YOU only gave meds on occasion and scooped boxes…on occasion.. you never cleaned the cage never changed the bedding… never cleaned up after them when they were out…
I take care of ‘my’ pets Hyde…I don’t need anyone to help me. So if you don’t want to do anything for them. Don’t. I’m ok with that.
Basically you pick and choose what you want to do when it comes to the pets…and need I mention ‘I’ DIDN’T WANT TWO CATS! Remember what I said at the shelter Hyde? “if it makes you happy to bring ‘name of cat’ home we can bring him home”…. Yea… only to hear that we have too many? Double standard messed up friggin crap these statements are huh? Funny…I always seem to say “if it will make you happy Hyde, if that’s what you want” ….. yet…. Well, I think I’ve explained it.
You made me sooo happy this one day….we were at the chest and putting in cat litter and I mentioned wanting a pair of ferrets and feeling afraid of your response… you know what you said? I do! “honey if you want ferrets then you will have ferrets” … I couldn’t believe my ears. I think I fell in love with you all over again. But then at every turn you use it against me and throw it in my face.
Yea well…I have been missing my ferrets. The above needed to be said.
As for your packing. I can’t control what you do but you also know I won’t go get you and if you chose to walk out on me then you will be staying out.
Now I realize you left that Friday morning…had you had intention to cool off and come home later that day I could understand that and you needn’t have packed.
So…your intention was to yet again leave me. I know you came home Hyde only because your parents didn’t want the kids there. You even admitted that.
You gave the impression it was a privilege to have you around. But I’m not stupid Hyde…I already know had you had your way you’d still be gone.
I do realize however Sunday night came and you dropped the kids off and came home. I have no idea why you did that. I didn’t expect you and was ready and ok with you not being there. But you were there. I don’t know why…I spose there was a reason regarding remodeling again as you didn’t bother to fix anything with us. So who knows the real reason you were home Sunday night. Then Monday came…and again I have no idea why you came home other than noisy remodeling at your parents house. Again it wasn’t for ‘us’ you were there and you made that very clear. And I didn’t want you there but I didn’t say a word I just went about my business.
Then I needed sex. Ha…you seemed disgusted at first…lol…but you shouldn’t be. I think we both know how bad it can be or get when one is in a marriage denied by another when it comes to that. That is the crap that makes people stray. I came to ‘you’ even in anger because it was the right thing to do. You gave me you because it was the right thing to do.
I checked into selling the boat. Not because of it being a mess…no. But because when I committed to that loan I was thinking I was doing it WITH a changed man…a man that was committed to the marriage. I don’t need the head ache of a boat payment Hyde…don’t you think I would have enough to financially bear if you walk out on me? I’ve got to live too. I can’t just go live somewhere for free.
You will just leave with your car payment…huh. I get the debt ‘we’ incurred don’t I Hyde.
I don’t know if you actually realize this or not but I didn’t ask you to stay. I didn’t ‘beg’ for your return. Not at all. Sex is sex…it’s not a resolution to a fight… people make up then fuck. We didn’t make up. We fucked then tried to talk which didn’t work out because once again…trying to talk to you about the issues starts a fight because your not open to discussion. To you ‘dropping it’ is a resolution. No it’s not. I don’t know what it will ever take for you to realize that to make things better you need to acknowledge and validate the other…and take responsibility for our own part in a fight like that. So no Hyde as I’ve told you and counselors and Church as taught…you don’t ‘drop it’ …and expect it to go away… you work it out…so there’s not resentment. Well…why do you think this is being written?
I’d like to remind you of something…
Hyde, your mom has deeeep resentment toward your dad. You know this. So why would you mimick him? Your mother speaks ill of him to you…to me…to the kids…and to the ladies at ‘her job’. I refuse to EVER be trained to ‘sweep it under the rug’ ….as she is. I don’t want to live my life hating you or the very sight of you or wishing I didn’t marry you. I’d think that you’d want that. ??? Be a better man and husband than ‘fathers name’ is to his wife. Your Hyde…not ‘fathers name’!
I loved the last 3-4 months as a married couple AND as a family. If you don’t recognize the difference between what you have done to me in the last year compared to how you been in the last couple months….your dense and in denial.
Ok so I’m going to send this and tell you you have an email… and I’m fully aware you might flip. But I won’t regret sending it and I won’t chase you.
I’m doing what I am sposed to be doing. I’m hoping you’re willing to do the same.
Love, your wife Stella“”””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””
I will try til I can’t try anymore… and had he followed through and stayed over night at his parents he wouldn’t be here but for whatever the reason may be he did stay. Sunday night he could have left…Monday as well…but he didn’t.
Sigh…but I sure shit am ready…I’ve been ready since my first anniversary in July when he walked out prior to the weekend…stayed gone…his family took him to a barbecue instead of encouraging him to man up and come home.
I didn’t have a first anniversary. I will never forget it. I haven’t spoken to his parents since mid June. 4th of July was our anniversary…
It hit me smack in the face ‘then’. That I had gone through this SHIT FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR! That’s when I got my balls back.
And I now carry myself around here as though I do. I’m not his sad little puppet anymore. Walk out…’fuck you then I’m going to party’…
He’s still here. So I work with it.
~Stella
01 Monday Aug 2011
Posted marriage
inTags
Hows that go? Same sh*t different day? I wish I could write more…unable to keep privacy when at home. Got a cell to be able to write now but talk about tedious.
Went to my happy place (W.W) and spent some time with some friends who know my situation.. and of course like the others who know..it’s “get out” “get out” “get out.” I know this. But “I” and only “I” can determine when “I” am ready for it. In the meantime I pray for change..I hope for change.
But it doesn’t change.
Once again yesterday I asked him to at the very least recognize his rage issues. “Recognize Jekyll that YOU don’t need to over react when your upset. You don’t NEED to verbally abuse me and put me down, call me names, threaten to leave…or leave. The ONLY response he gives is “It’s your fault Stella I’m this way, I’ve never been with another woman that has ‘made me’ this way.”
He doesn’t recognize that ‘that’ is not an excuse and that HE IS responsible for how HE acts or reacts. “YOU chose to be that way now Jekyll and ‘that’ is what needs to be addressed.” Yet, it isn’t ever…addressed.
So his next ‘response’….gets up to go pack. …Like clock work.
Just like that. No sorrys (that would be absurd) and absolutely NO responsibility for what he does. …zip zero…nada..
So days go by since the above ‘draft’ has been written and now I’ve been with Hyde. Days have gone by and his medication taken but there is still an edginess and on my part also. Because I’m living these days knowing it will soon blow up and he will pack again. I resent him. I resent him because he has yet to admit his problem(s) so we can actually recover. Every day I live like at any moment he’s gonna snap! Anyone else live this way? It’s not easy.
Your rage does not prove that I’ve done something wrong!
Got through work training week. Passed all necessary ‘tests’… then next month I have another week of training to go through…then I am good at this job for another year. Talk about added stress because if you ‘fail’…your out of a job. Period. No take backs. Not here.
Gonna go browse WordPress now…find others like myself…if that’s possible.
~Stella
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