Been busy being happy…

Tags

Bible, chances, change, Christian, Christianity, Faith, God, hope, Jesus, life, love, marriage, prayer, restoration, trust, truth

It’s been so long since I’ve really written…I think about it all the time actually and yet don’t sit and do it. I love having a blog…truth is I’ve been busy being happy. So much has happened. The old adage people don’t change? Yes actually they do. God can change hearts…he’s the ONLY one that can. My husband has been a changed man for quite some time now. I believe it’s because he got saved. I’m serious. I look back on these blogs and I know what kind of pain he has caused…but who he has been for the few months…who he is becoming is amazing.

Jesus Christ truly redeems…He restores…He lives.

Sound sappy or unbelievable? I don’t care, I’m living it!

It takes a strong woman to be able to look beyond what a person does to you and know that who they are supposed to be in Christ is yet within them.

I hung onto that and it was worth it!

~Stella

Checking in….

Tags

chances, change, choice, Christ, confusion, drama, Faith, forgiveness, God, hope, Jesus, life, marriage, Promise, restoration, Salvation, shame

It’s been so long since I have posted. So much has happened. Good, bad, ugly and evil.

I choose what I choose and I chose ‘Him’.

It’s going to be way to much to write down and sort out…so I guess I will just start blogging again and the content can be put together if one really wants to.

Today I am grateful.

I miss blogging tho’.

I’m back.

~Stella

Jokes on me…

Tags

abuse, asshole, broken promises, change, disapointment, drama, emotions, heartache, lies, mean, mental anguish, pain, resentment, respect, responsibility, restoration, self centered, sorrow, truth, unfair

Dear Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,

When I call you that it indicates how apparent there are two sides to you. Black and white. Just as there are two sides to every story…

There are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world…and the one that we keep hidden inside. You don’t hide anything though… but I do. 

I don’t know how to make you understand what you do and what you have done to me. If you understood it…acknowledged it…and loved me you would stop. Wouldn’t you? You told me a week ago that we needed to talk…but yet you have ignored me and my attempts to make it work.

At every turn you say something mean or try to get me to go away. If that’s what you want just say so. Speak up…then follow through.

I have told you I would never cheat on you but I can’t put my life on hold for you to get your shit together. It’s unfair to me whether I like it or not.

I can’t change you but you need to change. Just the part that is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive.  The first step would be to admit that you are.

You blame me for your choices Hyde…and that is childish. I don’t make you call me a bitch or anything else. When I express myself or defend myself that doesn’t mean I’m a bitch.   Actually, to tell you the truth…you haven’t seen ‘bitch’ out of me yet. Not being sarcastic or threatening here. That’s just my definition and as I said…defending myself doesn’t make me a bitch. Being mad doesn’t either.

 You exaggerate. This is one of your biggest defense mechanisms. It’s ridiculous.  You know it is. I don’t even care to elaborate on it it’s that ridiculous.

You use words and definitions to suit your needs. “You kicked me out”… Yet you hyde were already packed. “I was going to come home after training”…yet when you came home to shower you took more stuff when you left.  

You scream so loud you spit in my face. You have physically beaten the shit out of me because something or other is my fault. You have broken a bone in my body and caused swollen head and bruised face and neck and all over me. You have caused me to see the chiropractor. You have dragged me by my hair. You have hit a freshly done tattoo. I remember the first time you assaulted me. You were drunk and accusing and I couldn’t make you stop. I remember telling you “You wouldn’t want another man to do this to your daughter”…I said that several times trying to get you to stop.

You stopped for minutes…to just rest….and then you would come over to the bed again…and begin it all over again twisting my head and neck…pulling my hair and throwing me to the floor calling me every name in the book.

The jokes on me. I’m the stupid one. I stayed with you and one of your worst assaults was the night after our wedding. More of the same only this time there was more choking. Do you remember when you picked me up by the throat with your left hand and raised your right way high up into the air ready to strike my face? I gasped your name…and you put me down…held me there…and just kept choking.

Yet the jokes on me. I asked you not to ruin this wedding/honeymoon…and you did.  So can we blame alcohol? No drinking for a year but you unleashed your wrath with your tongue for the next entire year.  Walking out on me…leaving me…insulting me…embarrassing me at work…putting me down…breaking the rule of a basic human need for respect. 

I have no idea to this day what is worse.

 I forgave you. I have forgiven you for so much so often and yet I am the only one who says sorry and admits wrong doing. What is wrong with this picture?

Alcohol isn’t the factor though is it? It doesn’t help…but it’s not the cause. You do what you want…say what you want.

 Counseling was the right thing to do. But you didn’t do the work. You didn’t do the home work. You didn’t do the work sheets…you didn’t own up to your abuse. You didn’t follow the list.  Our first assignment…there were nine ‘good’ things you were sposed to do for me in a week and a half…you remember how we went through it in counseling…and you didn’t do one of those things?   Why?   Why? Why? Why?????

The one counselor who had you nailed to a tee you quit seeing. She was the one who knew what and who she was dealing with yet…you walked. She could have helped you.

You admit nothing.  It’s just easier to walk…than face yourself.  To run and hide and leave the room like your dad does. To go to your man cave because you simply can’t handle things correctly. Correctly…it’s just not too much to ask. Yanno…”learn to communicate so as to not be cruel”… but no…not you.

 God forbid your wife expresses anger or dares to yell…but you can take it much farther than that can’t you? And it’s so justified.   “You make me say that…you make me want to leave…you make me do this…or do that”…    No! I don’t make you mean!  Being ‘mean’ is a choice!

Chose to stop!

Jokes on me.

What you’re not wanting to admit can be helped if only starting with admission…then getting the help…and doing the home work.

 I ask myself why I wasn’t worth it? Why so many empty promises? Why do you break your own rules and lists?

 What crime did “I” actually commit to have this happen to me?

 

***If you live in denial of these things they will follow you.

So looks like     …Jokes on you.           

~Stella

The Stand…

Tags

anger, asshole, double standards, douchbag, drama, heartache, leaving, money, moron, sad, sorrow, stupid

So last week I found out Hyde over drafted an account that has no money in it. He didn’t do it on purpose but had he ‘remembered’ to cancel the hotel reservations they wouldn’t have charged the hundred bucks or so. (Tack on the banks daily fee of $28 daily.) I seen it was overdrawn and I got royally pissed. Not so much because he made the mistake but moreso the lack of responsibility in actually caring about it. He had days to take care of it and even when he went up there to hunt he could have stopped by the place and told them they weren’t going to need the room they are going to stay with family. But then he ‘forgot’ again right after he remembered.  He sure ‘forgets’ a lot. I can tell him something and no shit five minutes later he will ask a question I just gave the answer too. It’s so stupid. How can a brain be so preoccupied that it can’t retain memory within five minutes at the age of 39? No…it’s just pure ignorance. So of course I asked him to take care of it and he didn’t. He went and took $300 out to buy shit for his car and didn’t put any of the money into the overdrawn account. Guess who fixed it?!   …Yea thanks asshole. A few days later he takes out another $180 over drawing his own account! WTF! That one I’m not going to fix. His dad will bail him out I’m sure.

At any rate the day went on and the argument snowballed and what do ya know he’s out the door. Before he walked out on me I had been crying so hard and trembling and snotting all over myself and gagging because I couldn’t catch my breath and I had asked him not to turn back into the guy that leaves. So as I was going through this he merely sat down and began to channel flip. Yep. He headed straight for the fucking tv as he heard me crying. I have determined that his veins are filled with ice water and his heart is of mere stone. How can one human do that to a human who you say you love…just sit there and listen to her suffer? A friend suggested to me that he probably gets off on it. Seeing me react that way actually makes him happy. Well he’s tormented his daughter and laughed at that too so I guess that makes sense. He hasn’t been on his medication and that makes things worse but he doesn’t care. I just don’t get it. I don’t.

So of course he walked out on me that very night. The next day I took all of his clothes and as many of his spendy tools and filled up the ford ranger (an old truck he got from his dad for menards trips etc) and had it towed to his parents house.  I won’t be asking him to come back.

For the last year…every time he walks out he has never ever come back on his own…never texted…never called…not once. I have fixed every damn single time he’s walked out. This is no exaggeration…isn’t that sad?

Hmph…I actually had to take pause here and reflect on that once again.

And yet again.

Anyway this is where I’m at. The man has it made…yes I got mad…yes royally pissed but am I not allowed to be? He acts as if he lives with a screaming yelling bitch every day. He doesn’t. I can’t stand women like that. My husband has been doted on. He wants for nothing in this marriage including a wife that cannot or should not…or BETTER NOT show a negative emotion. Holy hell Hannah  because then I’m the worst woman God ever created.

Sometimes I just start to cry out in pain and agony…mostly because his heart can do this to me. It just blows my mind that he can be so callous and cruel to a wife that has been so good to him. Oh wait! …I’m bad because I got mad and expressed it…so yea it’s the end of the world so I must be left.

 

What a douchebag.           

~Stella

 

Whatever dude…Fuck you…

Tags

anger, arrogant, assenine, asshole, dipshit, drama, fuck you, fucktard, hostile, ignorant, marriage, moron, pissed off, resentment, responsibility, retard, selfish, stupid, unfair, whatever

I sit here and I stare at this screen having so much to say yet realizing I’ve said it all before and I’m even sick of myself putting myself through this. I have good days in this life and then really bad ones. I wonder to myself “is this it? Is this my life?” “That’s all?”  …I mean when is one really truly happy? Is anyone? I’m told I’m needy…well yea…that’s because my needs aren’t being met. If I tell you what they are and you still ignore me how am I sposed to be ‘ok’ with that? It’s emotional neglect. Emotional abandonment. If you were ever really there in the first place…pffftt…yea…whatever.  If you have your ex wife of 13 years and your ex girlfriend of 4 years and even your mom…and now your current wife complaining about the way you communicate you would think one would “”"”"”"GET IT!”"”"”

I wish I had more bravery within me to…well…maybe I do. Is it time to just take a big ass mutherfucking stand?

Whatever. It’s clear to me I would lose my house…my boat…even my job…no job…no house …no boat…no vehicle. I would lose my credit…and I have pets to consider… people start over all the time…they relocate…and as a friend once told me…” Hey! You won’t die!”

I WOULD HOWEVER HAVE MY SELF-RESPECT!     

~Stella

He never left…the email…and then some…

Tags

chances, change, clean slate, double standards, drama, first anniversary, hope, leaving, loyalty, options, pissed off, restoration, step kids, trying, venting

Sure as shit.

How come when I’m ready to be ‘ok’ to have his ass out…he didn’t leave. He came home! He did pack which I can’t get out of my head..but he didn’t actually go. He stayed home every night that weekend we weren’t getting along… I mean he had his kids here…

Now…it’s probly because his parents were remodeling their kitchen..that mixed with three kids wouldn’t be a good thing…so he brought them here. I told him I didn’t want him here but of course they had to have a place to go…so I did leave…

But that sunday night came and he was here… he dropped the kids off…then came here…and stayed on the couch…monday came…worked that night…and again he came home…car still packed…

again remodeling? Hard to sleep during the day when pounding is going on I imagine.

Then of course…I needed sex. Went to him for it…he tried to say no…but c’mon…really? So we did and it did break the ice..

But then I was resentful because he still couldn’t talk this out… so I wrote him an email because his kids are going to come again this weekend and I wasn’t about to stick around being told how much I suck…then ‘play’ Marry Poppins… he didn’t know I intended to leave if this wasn’t resolved and the slate was clean…

but he did take the crap back…and apologize… so I worked with it.

My point is… I was and am ready to have the fuck you, kiss my ass, I’m so done with your shit…and he stayed. What the hell?…

I guess it’s about process? One just gets closer and closer to getting so sick and damn tired of the crap…maybe he can now see that about me? But I’m just not where I used to be this entire last year…

I’ve changed ‘my tune’…

But I felt the need to express how I feel and view things and to make myself clear so I wrote him an email that way he can’t blow a nut on me mid sentence and not let me have my say…per the norm. I was walking around wanting to just get rid of him because of the resentment… so I simply told him my take:

(names of course have been changed) lol!

“”"”"”"”"”Hi,

Please don’t twist the following into something it doesn’t need to be.

I need to talk to you. Well, I guess I’m going to write because I can’t talk to you without being accused of starting a fight. So I’m going to write this and the ball will be in your court.  I am writing it now because if I do it close to Friday then you will accuse me of starting something before the kids come. No matter which path I chose in trying to communicate with you there’s always a price I have to pay.

That’s unfortunate because a wife should be able to tell her husband when she’s troubled without punishment. I’m at the end of my rope with these punishments I don’t deserve merely because I am human.

 Have you not noticed that for almost four months we have thrived daily as a couple? We have gotten along literally for WEEKS without any big major fights. I believe and I think you do to is your medication is a big part of it.  When your dose is low for too long of time your rage comes back and you flip in seconds when you don’t have too.  Hyde I am not responsible for your actions or how you chose to react. You have choices on how to handle something like every other human on the earth.

 Do you remember when you finally sat still and was quiet long enough for me to tell you how I feel? I was able to get an entire years worth of resentment out and tell you where I stood therefore re building a foundation…after that night we thrived and worked together as a couple and when things got rough you were able to say your sorry.   Well, your back to not being that guy. 

About the kids:  when you FINALLY backed off your pushyness and insults about the kids…I was able to establish a fantastic mom role with each child. I went about making time with each one to get closer to them. Our weekends have been fantastic…and without incident. I cooked and did all the motherly things and then some. I stepped up because you shut up. 

Here lies the issue. Since the night of the car wash incident you said some pretty nasty things once again about me and taking care of the kids. You went as far to indicate how you take care of them much more than I do…   Apparently you haven’t noticed or you are taking me for granted? Do I really need to list all the things I have been doing and have done these last several weekends? I am and have been doing ‘all’ the cooking and I am the one who’s been getting up with them in the mornings and preparing them for the day while you sleep in….and yes, cleaning up after them and making sure their teeth are brushed and mention when they need showers…after I’m done serving all of you I sit on the floor so you can enjoy a meal with your kids…not once have you offered to make a meal so I could sit with them..  I think you get my point.

Point is…I’ve done more than excel in my role.   Only for you to tell me I haven’t. For you to tell me how ‘you’ do so much more. Actually sweetheart…you don’t.  Not that your not parenting but I sure as hell never sit as I’ve been the servant and care giving every single time they’ve come over since you backed off.

So here’s the thing: I feel like I’m minimized right back to where I started from by your comments. I’m back to being resentful and now I don’t feel like I should have to do a damn thing because it’s not even appreciated.  After the things you said can you blame me?

I asked you to take it back. All the CRAP you said…and you didn’t. I’m not ok with that.  I am worth more than being blown off on a mothers day or getting a two for one candy bar!    Hyde, no one would want to continue to thrive under these conditions. Why would they? Why should I?    How come it’s soooooooo easy for you to put me down and yet EXPECT me to be at my best?  I’m not a dog that can be beaten and then come to you for affection.   See the analogy?   I’m not ok with this.   If you want me to continue to be the best I can be then YOU NEED to ACKNOWLEDGE that I have become a great step mother to your kids… or why should I bother? 

It’s not worth it to do my best at anything if all I am is put down and told I don’t suffice.  Does it make sense to you?

I don’t think you realize nor take responsibility for what it is you have caused in this marriage regarding the kids. Your role.  As I said..once you backed off and were kind…all was nice.  Get it?  The weekends were wonderful and we were exhausted but happy!  I would even tell you I looked forward to them coming! I am physically affectionate to them!  Involved.  Established.

Only for you to once again belittle me… and take it all away…by not taking your words back!        ….I am not your mother Hyde…I cannot go on daily pretending your words don’t sting! I won’t and don’t live my life that way.  You mention how I don’t let things go…just how much crap am I expected to ‘let go’ of Hyde in one lifetime?  OR you can take some responsibility for what happens between us and learn to fix the crap that you cause..   I say sorry 95% of the time ‘you’ are the cause of the argument. You’re a master snowballer.

There’s no reason to beat the truck or be cruel to an innocent old poodle who loves you because your having a bad moment the rest doesn’t need to pay.    Quite frankly neither do I.

You ever say nice things about me to the kids? You ever point out how good I am to them? I imagine if you don’t do it to me you don’t bother expressing it to them…or your parents.

You tell someone that they suck enough they are going to go back to sucking.  You tell someone that their dumb …they’re not going to care about thriving. 

If you don’t show affection and validation for me…then how do you expect me to do it for the kids?   Impossible.

Ok…so…because of this….what is it?…. regression? ….back to the old crap? ….My heart isn’t in seeing the kids this weekend.  I want it to be…but I can’t pretend I wasn’t told that I “don’t do shit”….. and then “do shit” when they come.    You and only You can change this.    You changed before and look what it did for us as a family?  

You bring up ‘my’ pets… I’m sick of that and it doesn’t even COMPARE! You dump food in a dish maybe twice a day…’’I’’’’ have been doing the dog crap… you have NEVER cleaned mangos cage…you change his water and give him food.  Period… faaaaar cry of ‘tiresome’ chores that accrue when the kids come. Hm?   You came down on me for wanting ferrets… yet YOU only gave meds on occasion and scooped  boxes…on occasion.. you never cleaned the cage never changed the bedding… never cleaned up after them when they were out… 

 I take care of ‘my’ pets Hyde…I don’t need anyone to help me.  So if you don’t want to do anything for them.  Don’t.    I’m ok with that.

Basically you pick and choose what you want to do when it comes to the pets…and need I mention ‘I’ DIDN’T WANT TWO CATS!  Remember what I said at the shelter Hyde?   “if it makes you happy to bring ‘name of cat’ home we can bring him home”….   Yea…  only to hear that we have too many?    Double standard messed up friggin crap these statements are huh?  Funny…I always seem to say “if it will make you happy Hyde, if that’s what you want” …..   yet….    Well, I think I’ve explained it.

You made me sooo happy this one day….we were at the chest and putting in cat litter and I mentioned wanting a pair of ferrets and feeling afraid of your response… you know what you said? I do!   “honey if you want ferrets then you will have ferrets”    … I couldn’t believe my ears.   I think I fell in love with you all over again.  But then at every turn you use it against me and throw it in my face.

Yea well…I have been missing my ferrets.     The above needed to be said. 

As for your packing.  I can’t control what you do  but you also know I won’t go get you and if you chose to walk out on me then you will be staying out.  

Now I realize you left that Friday morning…had you had intention to cool off and come home later that day I could understand that and you needn’t have packed.

So…your intention was to yet again leave me.  I know you came home Hyde only because your parents didn’t want the kids there. You even admitted that.

You gave the impression it was a privilege to have you around.  But I’m not stupid Hyde…I already know had you had your way you’d still be gone.

I do realize however Sunday night came and you dropped the kids off and came home. I have no idea why you did that. I didn’t expect you and was ready and ok with you not being there.   But you were there. I don’t know why…I spose there was a reason regarding remodeling again as you didn’t bother to fix anything with us.  So who knows the real reason you were home Sunday night.   Then Monday came…and again I have no idea why you came home other than noisy remodeling at your parents house.  Again it wasn’t for ‘us’ you were there and you made that very clear.   And I didn’t want you there but I didn’t say a word I just went about my business.

Then I needed sex.  Ha…you seemed disgusted at first…lol…but you shouldn’t be. I think we both know how bad it can be or get when one is in a marriage denied by another when it comes to that.  That is the crap that makes people stray.   I came to ‘you’ even in anger because it was the right thing to do.  You gave me you because it was the right thing to do. 

I checked into selling the boat. Not because of it being a mess…no.  But because when I committed to that loan I was thinking I was doing it WITH a changed man…a man that was committed to the marriage.  I don’t need the head ache of a boat payment Hyde…don’t you think I would have enough to financially bear if you walk out on me?  I’ve got to live too.  I can’t just go live somewhere for free. 

You will just leave with your car payment…huh.  I get the debt ‘we’ incurred don’t I Hyde.

I don’t know if you actually realize this or not but I didn’t ask you to stay. I didn’t ‘beg’ for your return. Not at all. Sex is sex…it’s not a resolution to a fight… people make up then fuck.  We didn’t make up.  We fucked then tried to talk which didn’t work out because once again…trying to talk to you about the issues starts a fight because your not open to discussion. To you ‘dropping it’ is a resolution.    No it’s not.   I don’t know what it will ever take for you to realize that to make things better you need to acknowledge and validate the other…and take responsibility for our own part in a fight like that.   So no Hyde as I’ve told you and counselors and Church as taught…you don’t ‘drop it’ …and expect it to go away… you work it out…so there’s not resentment. Well…why do you think this is being written? 

I’d like to remind you of something…

Hyde, your mom has deeeep resentment toward your dad.  You know this. So why would you mimick him?  Your mother speaks ill of him to you…to me…to the kids…and to the ladies at ‘her job’.   I refuse to EVER be trained to ‘sweep it under the rug’ ….as she is.  I don’t want to live my life hating you or the very sight of you or wishing I didn’t marry you.  I’d think that you’d want that.   ???               Be a better man and husband than ‘fathers name’ is to his wife.  Your Hyde…not ‘fathers name’!

I loved the last 3-4 months as a married couple AND as a family.   If you don’t recognize the difference between what you have done to me in the last year compared to how you been in the last couple months….your dense and in denial.

Ok so I’m going to send this and tell you you have an email… and I’m fully aware you might flip.  But I won’t regret sending it and I won’t chase you. 

I’m doing what I am sposed to be doing.   I’m hoping you’re willing to do the same.

Love,   your wife  Stella“”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”"”

I will try til I can’t try anymore… and had he followed through and stayed over night at his parents he wouldn’t be here but for whatever the reason may be he did stay. Sunday night he could have left…Monday as well…but he didn’t.

Sigh…but I sure shit am ready…I’ve been ready since my first anniversary in July when he walked out prior to the weekend…stayed gone…his family took him to a barbecue instead of encouraging him to man up and come home.

I didn’t have a first anniversary. I will never forget it. I haven’t spoken to his parents since mid June. 4th of July was our anniversary…

It hit me smack in the face ‘then’.  That I had gone through this SHIT FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR!   That’s when I got my balls back.

And I now carry myself around here as though I do. I’m not his sad little puppet anymore.   Walk out…’fuck you then I’m going to party’…

He’s still here. So I work with it.

~Stella

He left…again.

Tags

anger, asshole, Dr. Jekyll, enough, freaking, idiot, leaving, maid, moron, pissed off, resentment, slave, stupid fuck, temper, tit baby, unappreciated

Sigh…

I sit here in disbelief as well as belief. Does that even make sense? I’m trying to hang onto …myself.  The me I used to be.

 He left….again.

 Big fight after work Friday morning.  Rewind two weeks….Dr. Jekyll was feeling overwhelmed at the stuff that has to be done to the house to organize it or winterize it. Whichever. And he was verbally abusive and accusing and totally freaking out on me when I had committed no crimes.  I handled it and understood he was frustrated and once he realized he didn’t need to act out and I was going to indeed help him clean the garage he was apologetic and said he was sorry.  I spent the afternoon blowing off what I had to get done to do this garage thing.

My point here is he needed to vent. With that he lashed out.

Fast forward.  The other day as I’ve felt for many many months I am overwhelmed. So I expressed it. But he didn’t and doesn’t handle it well. He was downright abusive. He had a fucking conniption fit! I told him that I was tired of always doing the cooking and the cleaning and how I set up and clean the house before his kids come and the mess they leave behind I clean up and while they are over I have been doing the cooking and dishes and seeing to it they brush their teeth.  But it’s not just that.

If they are over or not I’m doing all the cleaning and the cooking. On occasion he throws a slab of meat on the grill while I do the fixins…and on occasion he cleans the kitchen. Or part of the kitchen.  I have gotten no help with the floors..cleaning the bathroom…the dusting or the vacuuming or big grocery shopping. I’m tired of being the only one to who does the laundry..folds it and puts it away. Or makes the lunches before work. I cook cook cook…I’M SICK OF FUCKING COOKING ALL THE DAMN TIME! I’M TIRED OF THE FLOORS! Aaaaaand this is in between 12hr night shifts.

I love being a wife…but I’m also the maid. I’m tired of doing all of it on my own. Yes he does projects but he’s not outside EVERY DAMN DAY doing them! He goes daaaaays without doing anything so he gets to sleep in…have his coffee…get ready for work. I’ve been up…clean…cook …..AND try and make it to the gym for ‘myself’.  I’m tired of it all. I just am! I could use a damn hand! On my damn day off how about I sit on the couch with the remote?! Instead of doing 7 fucking loads of laundry without any help! Not that long ago I put ‘some’ of his clothes on the dresser so ‘he’ could just put them away and don’t you know I got yelled at it for it!  “YOUR CAN’T EVEN PUT MY LAUNDRY AWAY?!!!” 

….Really?  “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR LAUNDRY AWAY? YOU CAN’T DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY? YOU CAN’T PUSH THE FUCKING VACUUM? YOU CAN’T CLEAN YOUR PISS OFF THE TOILET? YOU CAN’T CLEAN THE TUB OR CLEAN THE BATHROOM FLOOR? YOU CAN’T DUST? YOU CAN’T RUN TO THE GROCERY STORE ON YOUR OWN AND GET A CRAP LOAD OF STUFF? YOU CAN’T COOK ONE FUCKING MEAL IN 10 DAYS? YOU CAN’T LOAD OR UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER MORE THAN TWICE A MONTH? …..REALLY?

 I have taken up the dog crap detail…picking up sticks in the yard but nooooo I DON’T MOW THE LAWN! LMAO! AND GOSHDAMN I’M GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!!

So I’m overwhelmed and I’m tired. I could use the offer of help. But I don’t get it.   I express this… and he as usual can’t handle it and blows up and takes it all out of proportion. What fucking got me was how he was saying how HE takes care of the kids when they are over? BULL FUCKING SHIT! Again..I’m still the cook and the maid…I wouldn’t mind so much had he helped me out the rest of the FUCKING WEEK!    …but he doesn’t.

Ok so I help him with the garage…ok? Got that? And dog shit…and whatever else is needed or he asks for…but I ASK FOR A KITCHEN FUCKING FAUCET TO BE FIXED FOR OVER THREE MONTHS NOW…AND DO YOU THINK IT’S FIXED?   ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE GET THIS?

I work as he does…ok…12hr night shifts…same fucking job. Doing the exact same fucking thing he does. But at home…its less than fair. I’ve never been in a relationship or marriage where I HAD to be the only one doing shit by myself.   Funny, other men have helped out.  Would it have killed him to do the laundry once in awhile? Push a vacuum?   

Ok ok… so I vented and I didn’t vent as I did above. I was quiet and reasonable and asking for some help. He flipped. He started the screaming and name calling and exaggerations and then telling me how I don’t do enough! How I’m not good enough. How HE is the main guy that takes care of his kids when they are over.

This isn’t about when the kids are over tho…I’m repeating myself…funny…just as I always do with him.  It’s about the rest of the week.

It was after work…we were going to the car wash to wash the truck and the argument broke out. So it’s 630am. He flips out so bad hes SLAMMING the truck doors…hitting the windows…calling me names…screaming.

So I drove away and left his ass there! One entire town away. Went home popped and ambien and went to bed. He got a ride from a co-worker  (because mommy wasn’t awake) got a ride home. Packed up whatever and left.   

It was Friday.  He got his kids and went to his parents but they are remodeling so basically told him they couldn’t stay cos their kitchen was in shambles. So he had to come home.   Being he already packed and left me that morning…    means…in essence….he left again. 

I wasn’t about to stay home and play Mary Fuckin’ Poppins so I packed myself a bag and left for the weekend. I went back Sunday night and he of course had nothing to say as he never does nor would he ever think to apologize.  Dr. Jekyll does not accept responsibility…rarely…and this time he should have! Nope.. he leaves. Packs up and just fucking leaves…again.

Anyway…Sunday night he lives on the living room couch and watches tv.  Monday comes he’s up and does whatever…I go to the gym…while I’m gone he packs the rest of his stuff and is gone. Walks out aaaaagain. 

He left the place TRASHED! The house is TRASHED…not one clean dish in the cupboard and the BOAT IS TRASHED! He just leaves it that way.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? YOU IGNORANT SELF CENTERED LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!

His lively hood is the data plan on the cell. I cut it.  I hate games! I do…but hey…you FORCE me to once again play maid and NOT clean up after yourself or your kids…I’m not going to accommodate you! Get your own damn cell phone.  He can still call and text and I can cut that too.

Want your data plan back? CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF AND THEN LEAVE YOU LAZY FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Ok.. Calmer now.  But are you kidding me? I am a great wife! A wonderful wife! I wife that enjoys being one and shows it.. I am an overwhelmed wife who only wanted to express it as he expressed his being overwhelmed.  I want the faucet fixed. I need some help.

It’s this stupid? Trivial? Sure seems so. But this is how I live. Nothing can be as simple as just being able to express or vent. Not to a passive aggressive narcissistic personality.  He can’t handle it. He has to cut me off at the knees and rip on me…and have a physical outRAGEous TEMPER TANTRUM.

What would have happened if he just validated how I was feeling?…”I understand your overwhelmed honey and I appreciate all you do, I will help with the laundry and I will get up early to fix the kids their breakfast. I will make and be responsible for the lunches a couple times a week. I will vacuum for you on Thursday and how about I take you to a nice restaurant on our day off?….I will get to that faucet tonight.”     Just some damn acknowledgement?  Anything but the way he handled it.

 And he leaves. He packed up and left…again.   L..M..F…A…O!   And…left the house trashed. And it smells.  But hey…I guess it wasn’t enough for you to walk out on me the weekend of our first anniversary so I didn’t have one nor did you ever make up for it you prick! Not to mention not getting a damn thing from you on mothers day (from YOUR three kids I take care of!) I wasn’t worth a damn thing and your mom just thought I was worth a 2 for 1 hersheys candy bar! Fuck you and fuck them! You all definitely deserve each other and feed off of each others idiocies!

Yanno thinking back when I have told him before about being overwhelmed…it didn’t matter…he brushed it off as…”that’s just life.” Oh yea..well how about you go back to your mommys for another breast feeding?  I’m sick and tired of being married to a tit baby child. Seriously? Sick of it. I’m sick and tired of being screamed at and called names for absolutely no reason! I mean c’mon!

How can he not see himself? How can anyone be that ignorant?  Well how about you go find yourself someone that suits you better? Go back to your egghead shaped ex girlfriend Krisssss….Ms. Princess who doesn’t like tall grass and god forbid she gets that stiff hair wet…no wonder you had that gay looking umbrella in your trunk. I bet it was moreso the witch didn’t melt. >;) Oh I could write about that one but perhaps hind site is 20/20 and she’s perfect for you. Uh,…come to think of it you always walked out on her too didn’t you? You broke up with her how many times in four years?

Jekyll you’re a big fucking tit baby. You are a spoiled arrogant ignorant asshole who doesn’t deserve me. You go right ahead and find someone else or go back to your cross eyed retarded princess. 

Just want to reiterate one more time…it wasn’t so much that I have been your slave…not even that you don’t help…not even because you haven’t fixed the faucet in months…it’s because I cannot express my dislike of ANYTHING that concerns YOU without YOU FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!

 Time you found out just how good you had it.  

 You go ahead and pack you stupid fuck…I may be at the house…but I’m leaving YOU!    

                                            ~Stella

 

 

…My offspring…a high school sweet heart …and a big dumb moron…‏

Tags

adoration, beauty, daughter, drama, ex husband, family, gifts, kids, life, love, moron, offspring, son, truth, youngins

It’s funny how you can have high stats on your blog yet no one comments…lol! Sex sells! Lmao!  No no not a complaint it’s not a detrimental need of mine I’m just happy to write. I can’t post links to my blog though either because it would reveal who I am and I just don’t need that out there right now. It really wouldn’t be copacetic with what we do for a living either. I’m writing for myself.  As for the pics of us maybe I just like the chance of being discovered? Haha! I don’t seem to mind putting those up probably because eventually this will be out there and it won’t matter anyway. That and I’m not exactly a shy person. I’m uncertain as to the future of my WordPress blogs. I didn’t create my blog to husband bash. I needed to be able to express and if those were my expressions at the time …so be it. I’m not a sugar coater either. Never have been and won’t be starting.

  My husband doesn’t know I write and I’m not exactly sure on what he would think. At this point at least today…he’s been very understanding of things and daily life has been a wonderful thing. No drama, no stress, no fighting…etc..I realize that that can change but it’s been really nice being around him. I let him know this also. His changes don’t go unmentioned. I’m sure to give him reinforcement of these often in hopes to continue the bliss. I’m just not into drama anymore…it’s ok for the youngin’s but for me I just want to love him, serve him, keep our health and jobs and continue with our lives. I know boring huh? Yea well boring works for me now days.

Did I mention our photographer friend will be coming to diner on the 27^th?  *insert evil grin here.

 Time to mention two other very important people. I have mentioned my three beautiful step children although I probably didn’t elaborate on their goodness much because it was most likely during an angry blog about Dr. Jekyll! I will talk about them again I’m sure at some point as they are important to me and it’s really cool to be around them. If I ever had to have three more kids…these three would definitely be them so I lucked out.

As for the other two…my adult biological kids. My daughter turned 26 today. She is extremely beautiful. Both my kids are. My son…handsome and simply eye catching. (he’s 20) Am I bragging? Actually no. It’s just the truth. I was good breeding stock! Haha! I had my daughter with my high school sweetheart. We married young..etc etc…anyway,…He was an athletic good looking musician. I know he’s still an awesome musician (in a band that is well known here in the cities) and he has his other career which doesn’t need to be mentioned. I haven’t seen him in years. He’s doing well though. Doesn’t live far actually he’s right between my daughter and I. …He is a great dad. He’s always been a great dad. I was told he now has a girlfriend that moved in. Good for him and it’s about time.

Hyde and I were just over for a dinner at my daughters and boyfriends house. It was a nice visit. There are things about my daughter I don’t care for like her excessive drinking…and drama. When she drinks too much it isn’t good.  Her boyfriend/fiance’ (as she does wear a beautiful engagement ring for whenever they decide to go that route)…is a great guy.  She went back to school again…to make something of herself and I’m grateful to hear she does pretty well. I’m hoping this works out for her.. they have BIG party lifestyle. They work etc…but they really do party it up more than I ever have and I ‘partied’.. The latest with them is that they are now in an ‘open’ relationship. Oookay…I actually can understand that because of the sex thing…and at least they are honest and it keeps anyone from cheating or lying so for now I guess it works. On the other hand I’m an advocate for marriage and ‘one’ partner. I’m not saying I’ve always been this way…but I am now. I actually bear a high belief in marriage. (It’s the Jesus thing within’ me. That’s another topic I’m sure..) I had hoped to have grand children from these two but fiancé’ got neutered. He IS absolutely adamant he doesn’t want kids. He’s 30. They make a beautiful couple and it’s too bad they won’t be procreating. He’s a smart dude…has brains and I like that about him. He’s good for her although I’ve told him he’s been her drinking enabler. Don’t complain about her drinking then hand her a bottle. But hey…can I really judge? I’ve enabled Hyde in some serious things as well when I should have stood my ground. (drama related stuff)  Perhaps I can judge I’m the mom! Haha. Do as I say not as I do?  But I don’t like her excessive drinking one bit. It’s too destructive a habit and I hope it doesn’t ultimately cost them their relationship. They like their weed too but it would be nice to once see her without a haze in her eyes or a drink in her hand.

 Then there’s my son. His sperm doner father is a big dumb moron. When I seen his pic on facebook I had wished I could have gone through the monitor and bitch slapped him with an iron. How cool would that be? It would make my day…no…make my life.

He is a complete idiot which made me a complete stupid idiot as well for as long as I dealt with him. What got me about him was (back then) his looks. Big guy…6’4, athletic…handsome as hell….until he opened his mouth. God I hate that man. I hate saying ‘hate’ but I can’t use any other words. I ‘hate’ him. (He was an abuser not that I haven’t dealt with any other abusers. He was jailed for it twice for three months.) This was long long ago but I had started dealing with him because my son was curious about him when he was 14. I regret it. So did my son. The big now fugly oaf was nothing short of a trouble maker. He caused big problems up until the day my son said he didn’t want to see him again. (it was truly a good day) …But as of late…my son now 20 years old…is back to seeing him. My son being older and less naive knows better now but still bears that yearning to get to know his ‘natural father.” Poor kid or should I say … poor sucker?  So I saw this dumb looking fat balled headed wanna be Mr. Clean stupid oaf on facebook. OMG! I don’t understand how he could have let himself go ‘like that’… complacency is not in his favor. (It’s enough he’s not the brightest bulb on the tree.)

It’s obvious he will be driving one of those huv around scooters to just get his fat ass to the toilet. He’s lazy like that. Am I making fun of people that are heavy? Actually no.  To be honest I have several squishy friends I find quite attractive. Yes I said ‘squishy’…that’s an inside joke…anyway, I’m making fun of his fat ass because I hate his guts. (So if I have offended you get over it.) I’ve always said that if he were to die before me I don’t know if I would dance on his grave or piss on it.  I guess I could compromise and dance while pissing. Score!

My son.  Sigh. He’s difficult. He has one of the most difficult attitudes I’ve ever seen in a young man.  He and his girlfriend broke up and it was hard on him. She is indeed beautiful, intelligent and hard working. She’s in Italy now for three months. She was insane about him. She loved him to death. He just didn’t treat her well at all. He took her for granted and verbally and emotionally abused her big time. I am writing this because it’s the truth. Sad but true. He needs to grow up and start to respect women and not follow in his sperm doners footsteps. I’m hoping things will change because at the moment I’m not speaking to him because of these things as well. There comes a point when one has quite enough! Even in family…especially in family.  I love my son with all my being but right now I can’t even speak to him. He went over the line. Way over the damn line. He best snap out of it and contact me. I did block him but if he wanted to get a hold of me all he would have to do is call Hyde or come over. Something he never does unless there’s something in it for him. I would hate to have one of us suddenly die before resolving these issues but I cannot be the one to fix this. I just can’t. Not this one. I hope every day to hear from him.

I don’t mind writing about what irks me about my children it’s not like how I feel is news to them. They know I adore them and absolutely love them unconditionally. I miss them a lot because both live quite a distance and a mom always wants to see her kids. To spend time with them means more to me than oxygen to live. The goodness in my kids supersede any hardships they have ever caused me as a mom. I mean all moms go through some shit with their kids/teens…well maybe not ‘all’ moms but most. I just love them more than they will ever know or believe.

My favorites are when my son calls me ‘mom’…and my daughter calls me ‘mommy’ to this day. I like it when my son tells me about his love life and comes to me for advice. Not that he ever listened lol…but I always tried.  When my son has called me at 3 am in pain about his girlfriend…he called ‘me’.  I love hugging my boy…he’s so tall and towers over me and my heart just pours out. When they text me they love me. You know I have my sons “I love you” etc…texts from two years or more ago locked on my cell to remind me he does in fact love me. I think there’s about 8 of them…I didn’t keep every one of course but once in awhile I just lock it.

I kept this one voice mail for two years on my cell. The kids were sitting out back of our old house around a camp fire…I had went in and gone to bed. They voiced mailed my cell phone with The Family Guy type dialogue (hard to explain)…It was my kids and their significant others and they all chimed in a dialogue of “mom mom mom mommy mommy mommy”…and another would be saying “come out come out where are you?” “come back out….Moooooom!” It was just the coolest thing ever! Two years I kept that voice mail. I went through a few cell phones cos Dr. Jekyll busted up 5 of them…it was the 5^th cell when the voice mail was lost. I never told him he caused me to lose that voice mail. It was something I was going to try and keep forever. My heart broke that day.

My daughter is a straight up trip. She can make me laugh. Most times we can relate to each other when were hanging out as women. I think that is so cool. I still have one of her little notes she gave me as a young teen in my top drawer of my dresser. I have an entire box of their art ‘stuff’ from when they were young. My daughter always made me stuff. I miss her lil’ notes she even slipped one in my work pocket many many years ago. It was the neatest thing to be at work and find that. She has also given a gift of herself to others. She sold her eggs so other couples who struggled with fertility could have kids!  How cool is that? I mean I know there’s money in it too but regardless that is a big deal. She gets more beautiful every time I see her.

I wish I could post pictures of my kids but for right now I’m not going to however the below will be fitting.

My kids will know why…

~Stella

 

Diamonds…Sex With The Ex…And Great Danes…

Tags

adultry, cheating, diamonds, disapointment, ex husband, great danes, in laws, insanity, names, Rennaisance Festival, sex, unfair

Had a wonderful weekend. I love the Renaissance Festival! If I could live in that world I would. I have always liked the magical in that era. Hyde bought me a work ring. I have always wanted a work ring because that rock that I wear as much as I adore it and wouldn’t exchange it for the world…is too damn big. I always had a weird rule but it’s true…with any remarriage each has to up the last with the diamond size! LMAO! It’s true! I did mention I had a big rock right? No I’m not going to say how many times I’ve been married. What’s it matter? I can say I have a story behind each situation and had zero guidance in my life…how the hell did I know when to be impulsive and when not to be? It’s not like each guy didn’t know there was  previous(ses)! HAHA! Anyway, back to the rock… it gets in the way especially at work. But we came across this silver band etched with a cool design and a pink stone… I’m tellin’ ya it’s beautiful! We also bought a copper bird bath that hangs from a copper chain (all hand crafted) and it will be on a shepherds hook so we can relocated it in various places around the yard if we wish. It can be used in the winter time as a bird feeder as well. Were going to have to hang that sucker a bit higher so our Great Dane doesn’t get his big black nose into it! lol!

Things still have been good. It’s not that we don’t have arguments that aren’t destructive…we do. Well let’s be honest here ‘he does.’  He still calls me names. What’s the fuck it up with that? Why is it so imperative to sling shit like that? He does it over and over. WTF! I know I can’t control everything but really? It’s every single fight he has to call me names. I told him a million times I can get the point without the expletives and name calling! I dunno maybe it makes him feel like he’s got a bigger dick? All I do is lose respect for him…I told him that but hey who cares right? <( that is sarcasm because I care!) The fights are way less often but when they happen they happen. Other than this on occasion yes things are good.

I still can’t see his parents though not that I’ve been asked. His mother doesn’t call me anymore because she knows she broke her promise numerous times. My heart just isn’t into it. I think there has to be some sort of conversation or sit down for me to ever step foot in their house again. What’s the point of going if I feel so resentful? It’s going to show anyway. Also since they have been out of the picture we have gotten a long better too. Weird huh? It’s not like they are responsible for the fighting but it is them he runs too.

So there has been an email battle with my ex lately. I haven’t mentioned him here yet. Long story short he has my other Great Dane. My Danes brother. They are a year apart but have the same set of parents. Anyway it was agreed we each would get a Dane and would have shared visitations with the other. Those visitations were far and few between. But my ex always caused some kind of problem and kept finding reasons to keep me from his Dane. Now he just says it’s not going to happen altogether. So no more picking up the ‘black Dane’. I cried on and off for days but then he wrote a heartfelt email and basically told me he has to just ‘make a clean break’.  He moved in with a girl and feels this is what he has to do. I don’t think it has to be this way at all and said just let me get the ‘black’ Dane one weekend a month but he just can’t do it. I think it hurts him to see me? But he loves his new girlfriend (I actually like her too we have had a couple email correspondences about a couple different things mostly the Dane issue) and I am remarried so what’s the big problem? It’s just something he can’t do.

We were together for 10 years. He knows how I feel about my pets and knows this hurts me deeply and I grieve the loss of the ‘black’ Dane but again it’s something he feels he has to do. I can understand but yet I can’t. Get over it Ex! And keep your damn agreement for once! I miss the ‘black’ Great Dane immensely   I may not like what he feels he needs to do at this time…but I’ve chosen to respect it.  I know I could go to court and get rights to see the Dane blah blah blah…and did consider it. But it’s not my intention to make him go through whatever it is he wants to avoid. He needs a clean break…’ok’.  I did tell him that I won’t be forgetting the ‘black’ Dane…I would merely be waiting for an invite to come see him. I guess we will see…

Our marriage didn’t work out for many different reasons. The main reason being sex. I didn’t get it enough and he didn’t satisfy me. He also gained weight and I stopped being attracted to him. It sounds mean but it is in fact the truth. I always told him how I felt and we did try on occasion however brief to make some changes but it just didn’t work.  I did end up being a cheater. Yes I cheated. I cheated for sex and the excitement of having great sex. At one point I flat out told him I was going to cheat. I couldn’t STAND walking around every damn day in ‘that kind’ of need. Not all women are like me…but they are out there and know exactly what I’m talking about. I am going to compare it to being on the brink of insanity unless I got laid! (but laid GOOD!) So I took a lover half my age for over a year.  Feelings of course came into play. It was an intense relationship. Very intense. The sex was as needed and the way I needed and then some. He was young and less experienced in such things but all that did was make him extremely trainable and of course he was so willing. His endurance was phenomenal. He had what it took to enter and scramble my brain.  But it wasn’t meant to be some long term relationship (the good news is I am currently married to a man that even that young stallion couldn’t hold a candle to)  Anyway the Ex and I tried another year so that equaled the 10.

I realize that you can’t base a marriage just on sex or when one gains weight. There were other reasons also but these were the main ones. Some feel that not getting sex isn’t a reason to cheat. It’s not. I’m not condoning my actions at all…I’m merely telling my story.  My chemical make up is one that requires to have a lot of sex and GREAT sex not just ‘get by sex or didn’t know I had it sex’. 

I’m not trying to bash my Ex I’m merely stating what happened. He’s actually a great guy, and he did spoil me and he did take care of me and he always tried to do the right thing. He was forgiving and loving as much as he could be. But I needed more. Sigh…again yes it sounds bad, maybe it is. But as the saying goes ‘it is what it is’… He has found someone more compatible as have I.  From what I know of his current and my brief correspondence with her I actually really like her and would hope one day to meet her. I can see why he took to her.  Good for him…and good for her. If I weren’t with Hyde and my Ex wasn’t with his current…we still would not be back together. Do I miss him? I miss the ‘friend’ in him. He did understand me. And rarely said an unkind word. When we were good we were really good and happy.

But he deserved better and I needed more.       

….So I got more…   
                                        
                                               ~Stella

…and he did better.                               

A break through…?

Tags

anger, apology, boat, leaving, listened, resentful, sorry

So much has indeed gone on and yet I can’t remember all of it. I had the last 10 days off or so from work and haven’t been able to write. The retaining wall at home is almost done and we need to get a new roof. The boat and dock are there and now were broke! lol! But hey, we can fish. 

There was a fight. Well, more like an argument something didn’t go my way and I expressed myself and Jekyll doesn’t like it when I do. If I ‘express myself’ I do it all wrong. He does this “you shoulda said this or shoulda said that but you didn’t have to do THAT or say THIS!” (ya and YOU didn’t hafta walk out on me in the last year how many times??) And so it happened. It snowballed into a worse argument. The kids were there (his weekend to have them) and he didn’t feel like listening to me explain myself or express myself.  So a bunch of fuck you’s ensued. I just can’t remember what all was said or what exactly went down.

But it went down. He just took the kids to the new boat I bought…with the fishing poles I bought and took off with them on the boat. Not even attempting to resolve after all the harsh words that were said. Oh surprise! So after doing all this stuff for the kids and he just taking off on the boat…I had had enough. (As I’ve said before he usually just takes off to his parents) but after what he has pulled for the last entire year and after I had just got done getting all this stuff for the kids and then taking off in the boat like that, yea have fun driving around in my debt you asshole…your welcome by the way!! I felt pretty damn unappreciated…as I have often in this marriage.

But this time he came back to an empty house because I left! As we were fighting he asked ‘I think’ “what are you doing?” and I said “leaving… isn’t that what I’m supposed to do Jekyll? Leave? Take off when things get heated?”  You should have seen the look on his face when I said it if I’m not mistaken he was taken aback. He couldn’t say a damn thing about it. Not a damn word!  He actually turned and walked out of the room. Then more mean crap was exchanged and he just proceeded to the boat. So I packed, grabbed a cooler and put a case and a half of beer in it left over from our party (which wasn’t much of a damn party) and went to my happy place WW.

So for the first time since we got married …I left.

I had to. I promised myself I wouldn’t ‘pretend’ to ‘suck it up and be happy’ the very next time he over reacted (kids or no kids.) I’ve always told him if we are fighting he better do all that he can to resolve because I’m not good at hiding how I feel and I’m not about to put a fake smile on for the kids…or his parents! . I can’t and I won’t. (And yes, in truth I have )

Anyway I went and had a good time with my friends…stayed the night in the motel and came back the next night. It was late and I had to drive through a rain storm. I had a tattoo appointment that day for a re color and that’s why I came back later that night… I could have stayed another night as the room was paid for and all but I felt obligated, not guilty but obligated to do the right thing.  That and I had enough socializing and just wanted my own home and bed.

I had no idea what I would be coming home too.. I thought for sure he’d be all packed up and gone to his parents house. But then realized his parents just had the kids for the last few days and he probably didn’t want to trouble them again so he stuck it out and stayed home.

So I come in the house and the place is trashed! I look around the small house and am totally bewildered at the mess! I had spend two days cleaning this place and it all went to hell in less than 24hrs. Oh I bet it took just an hour real time though.   The kids are asleep. I get ready for bed and am extremely beat. He gets up and leaves and moves to the weasel room (we call it the weasel room because when I had my last two ferrets it was where their cage is but it’s actually an entire extra bedroom acting as our closet. We have two dressers in there and other furniture etc etc but we call it the weasel room) and it was fine by me. I didn’t want to deal with him either. But ahhh….my bed!

Long story short the next morning I see him out on the dock fishing with the kids… and I wanted to go see the kids so I went down there and they were so excited to fish and have a boat and I loved it!  So we ate fish. Kids were brought to football practice then home.

The resentment of an entire year had built up worse than ever before. I have lived this way for so long and resented him! Stupid trivial things happened that night that ended up in a severe fight. And I mean bad. I could get into detail but I really don’t even want to.

I kept doing what I had been doing for such a long time was trying to get him to just listen…hear me out on what has been on my mind and the resentment for the last entire year.

I told him he was never ever sorry for walking out on me all those times! He said he couldn’t believe that and I told him “no it’s true, not once ever did you apologize or take back the cruel things you have said” (aside from once or twice and I pointed those out)

“Each and every time you left you were brought back by me. NOT ONCE on your own did you ever come home. And you were never sorry for leaving….and you never acknowledged or admitted to me it wasn’t necessary or that it was wrong! NOT ONCE!”

I was crying (just as I have a million times) and went on…”Your parents are accountable also, they enable you to do this by letting you stay at their place when you leave.” I told him how it was wrong for them to make light of when he left me by taking him to go buy cameras and computers (for his parents not him) and have him set them up for them, by going to his uncles barbecues, making him dinner and lunches and hanging out etc etc…  Just doing stuff with him instead of telling him “Grow up, man up go home to your wife and stop leaving her over the most stupid things and for God’s sake son except some responsibility!!”

So I guess my point is I got to ‘talk’ to him. Tell him what has been on my mind and why I feel resentful.

And he listened….                                                          

~Stella